ALAN AND TARA'S DAY IN THE CITY

Chapter Twelve

"More than a woman! More than a woman to me-hee!"

Everyone was giggling as Alan drove down the street. He had turned the XM radio to a disco station and was currently singing along to the Bee Gees while he drove.

"More than a woman! More than a woman to me-hee."

"Kill me now," Rain said while Tara giggled.

"I am a studmuffin," Alan said to the tune of the song. "I am so studly, tee heehee."

Rose glanced back at everyone and shook her head. By now, Alan was ignoring the song and just making up his own lyrics.

"I am so studly," he sang. "And Rosie has to agree-hee. I'm feelin' horny and I just gotta go pee-hee."

"Excuse me, Mister Singer, but no one but you wants to hear your take on the Bee Gees," Jack called up to him.

"I'm having a good time so piss off," Alan said to him. "I can sing falsetto if I want to!"

"Everyone! At the next traffic light, open the doors, get out and run so Douchebag can sing falsetto to his hearts' content," Rain said.

"Rainy's a painy," Alan sang. "Rainy's a bi-hih-chee-hee-hee!"

"Ooo," Tara said, looking at the Doctor.

"Oh yeah?" Rain said.

She began to sing like Alan.

"I'm gonna hurt ya," she sang. "So you better start running from me-hee!"

Everyone giggled at that as Alan flipped her off.

"What? You can be insulting towards me but I can't do it back to you? You can dish it out but you just can't take it, little Weiner schnitzel. "

Alan glanced at Rose.

"Weiner schnitzel?" he said as everyone laughed.

They were headed out of downtown again down Jefferson Avenue heading east. They passed through some more run down houses and buildings back towards midtown. On the way there, Alan noticed a bridge that spanned across the Detroit River. Curious, he slowed down and turned onto it.

"What is over here, me wonders?" he said as he drove across the concrete bridge. "Methinks me has found an island."

"Methinks you're talking like a dork again," Tara said.

"Sticks and stones, sticks and stones," he said airily as he drove.

When they reached the other side of the bridge, they saw a large wooden sign that said Belle Isle State Park. A few feet away was a huge hedge sculpture of a clock that actually told time. They stopped for a moment to admire it before turning right and slowly driving around the island. They rounded the bend and noticed Canada about ten miles away across the water. Alan stopped the minivan and everyone got out to enjoy the view.

"Everybody wave to Canada!" Jack yelled as they walked towards the bank.

Tara giggled and waved.

"HI CANADA!" she screamed.

"Gee, why didn't anybody else do it?" Jack said.

"CANADA! YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT!" Alan bellowed. "I WISH I COULD CROSS OVER TO YOU BUT I CAN'T! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He looked at Jack.

"Satisfied?" he said.

"Well, I figured you'd do something like that anyway," Jack said, shrugging.

The Doctor walked up to a large elm tree and leaned against the gnarled bark. He put his hands in his pockets while he gazed at the water. Tara came up beside him and gingerly crept down to the edge of the riverbank. She turned and looked at her father.

"There's no steel barrier thing like there was at the GM building. So you could go swim to Canada."

"I doubt that, Star. It's about a ten mile swim and I'm sure most people would tire before they reached the other side," he said to her.

"We could get a boat then," Tara said.

He chuckled and pointed to the trees.

"I'm sure they have cameras up in the trees here, love, both here and on the Canadian side. They wouldn't leave this place unguarded," he said.

Tara gasped when Alan ran over and picked her up under her arms.

"You wanna go to Canada?" he said, swinging her around in a circle. "That's what I wanna do!"

"Quit!" Tara squealed as everyone laughed.

"Oops, tripped on a rock!"

Tara laughed as Alan slowly fell back and they both toppled to the ground.

"Ow, I think I may have actually hit an actual rock when I hit the ground," Alan said.

They lay there for a moment staring up at the sky. Jack wandered over and bent down to look at them.

"What's wrong, are you crippled?" Jack said to Alan.

"No, my niece and I are staring at the clouds and finding pictures in them. I see a bunny!"

Tara pointed to a long thin cloud.

"I see a sonic screwdriver," she said.

"I see a couple of weirdos," Jack said, pointing down to them.

Rain walked over to them. She walked up to Alan and planted her feet on either side of his face. Bringing them in tightly, she made a vise.

"Um, what are you doing?" Alan said while Tara giggled.

"Keeping your head locked in one place so you'll get a stiff neck."

"If you don't go away, you'll be in the one in pain because I'll plant my fist in your womanly area," Alan said.

"Fair enough," Rain said, shrugging.

Alan looked at Tara as she walked towards the Doctor.

"Your mum is a loony, never forget that."

"You're the loony," Tara said.

"No, you're the loony!"

"No, you are!"

"No, you are!" Alan said.

"No, you are!"

Alan looked up at Jack when he said that.

"Shouldn't you be off somewhere enjoying something with Ianto?" he asked.

"And miss the you're a loony argument, no way!" Jack replied.

Alan sighed and looked at Tara.

"He's bothering us," Alan said.

"Yeah, well, you're bothering me."

"Am not!" Alan said.

"Are too!" Tara shot back.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

They were both cut off when the Doctor came over and put his hands on their mouths.

"There's an ibis with feathers the color of clouds nestled on the bank nearby and I would like to look at it without it getting spooked and flying away. Your argument will no doubt spook the ibis with feathers the color of clouds so hush and be quiet and contemplate the day and all the beauty it holds," he said in a soft voice.

He took his hands off their mouth and walked back to the tree. Alan watched him for a moment before looking at Tara.

"Let's go strangle the ibis, what ya say?"

"Okay," Tara said between giggles.

Madison came up to them with Rose.

"Lazy bums," Madison said.

"And prooooooooud of it!" Alan replied.

Rose bent over and stared at his face.

"Ooo, suddenly the view got a trillion times lovelier," Alan said.

Rose gave him an evil grin, turned around and mooned him.

"Then the view suddenly went downhill from there," Alan said as they giggled. "But then again, it is Rose's buttcheeks so it can't be all that bad…"

"Um, what's going on?"

Alan frowned and looked at Tara.

"How d'ya mean?" Alan asked her.

Tara turned on her side so he could see the back of her head.

"What's in my hair?" she said.

They all bent over to have a look. Alan snickered.

"A great big centipede," he said matter-of-factly.

"Well, get it out of there!" Tara shrieked.

"Oh come now, it's not doing any harm. Most likely thought you were a log."

"Get it out!" Tara squealed as the centipede turned direction and went up to the top of her head.

"Oh for the love of Rassilon," Alan said as he plucked it out. "There, ya enormous baby, the killer 'Pede is gone. Happy now?"

"Yes!"

She squealed when Alan grabbed her, pulled her close and rolled over to his left side.

"Better view over here!" he said to her.

"Quit!"

He rolled back with her as she shrieked.

"Then again, much better view here!" he said.

He lay with her, holding her close.

"You know what?" he said in her ear.

"What?"

He grinned an evil grin.

"Tickle bug's a comin'," he purred in her ear.

He laughed when she tried to squirm out of his grasp.

"Struggle all you like but it shall all be for naught," he said airily. "I shall tickle thee in a moment or two."

"Mommy, help!" Tara said to her mother who was now standing with the Doctor by the tree.

"You're not going to get to see the ibis, are you?" Rain asked the Doctor.

"No, that's pretty much ruined by mouthy one and two over there," the Doctor said.

He glanced over and noticed Rose, Madison and Jack were still gathered around them watching.

"Ask one of them to help ya, Star. They're just standing there doing nothing."

"I'm enjoying the show," Jack said to him.

"Okay, then where has your husband gone to?" the Doctor said, looking around.

He noticed Ianto was thirty feet away sitting at a picnic table while he watched the water. The Doctor nudged Rain.

"Come, Latara, Ianto has the right idea," he said to her.

"Daddy! Wait!" Tara said as they walked away.

The Doctor let out a sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Wait for me, Love, gotta sort this out over here," he said, pointing to Tara.

He walked over and smacked Alan on the top of the head.

"Bad Alan, behave!" he said, sternly. "Drop it, drop it now, I say. Drop the Tara before you chew it up!"

Everyone laughed when Alan gave him a shocked look.

"The hell you think I am, old man? I'm not your bleedin' doggie!" he said to him.

"Let my daughter go then."

"Fine, have your stinkin' daughter," he said, letting go.

He pretended to sulk as he folded his arms over his chest and rolled to his other side. Jack looked at everyone when they heard his exaggerated weeping and rolled his eyes.

"Okay, Alan, that's enough," Jack said, lightly kicking his head.

The weeping ceased and Alan lay still for a moment before he rolled over onto his back.

"Excuse me but my head is not a kickball or a button you can slap, it's a delicate thing housing a delicate mind, so please stop abusing it!"

Rain, who was walking away with her husband, looked back at him and then looked at the Doctor.

"Hang on, I feel an urge to kick something now," she said to him.

Alan quickly got to his feet and sauntered off towards the bank.

"Sorry, Rainy, beat ya to the punch!"

"Nuts!" Rain said to the Doctor as they walked towards Ianto.

Tara got up and dusted herself off as Madison, Rose and Jack followed Rain and the Doctor. Alan was standing by the riverbank staring out at the Canadian shore and she walked over to stand beside him. Both of them stared at the water for a moment before Alan suddenly lifted up his black t-shirt.

"HEY, YOU CANADIANS OVER THERE! GET ALOAD OF THIS STUDLY BODY!" he screamed as he pointed to his chest. "BET YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THIS OVER IN MAPLE LEAF LAND!"

"Bro, can you be any more annoying?" Rain called to him.

"Yes, I can as a matter of factly."

He took a big breath.

"USA!" he screamed. "I'M NOT FROM HERE BUT SINCE I'M STANDING HERE, USA ALL THE WAY, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He grinned at Rain who rolled her eyes.

"You're so good to put up with him," she said, patting Rose's hand.

"I'm used to it by now," Rose said, shrugging. "Be surprised if he didn't yell and scream something to the Canadian border."

"IF THERE'S ANYONE OVER THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE LISTENING TO ME, WATCH THIS!"

He spun around, bent over and mooned Canada as Tara giggled. She turned and followed his lead.

"Oh Christ, here goes, Tara's gonna end up just like him, I know it," Rain said to her husband.

Both Alan and Tara wiggled their butts while they continued to moon Canada. Alan frowned when suddenly the others at the picnic table started calling out to them, telling them to stand up.

"Why? What's wrong?"

He suddenly heard a loud humming and both he and Tara looked around and quickly stood up when a border patrol speedboat slowly passed by the shore. It was so close they could see a blonde haired woman and red haired man staring at them intently as they slowly went by.

"Hi!" Alan said, waving. "Just being silly. I wasn't mooning you and I'm not gonna swim for Canada so don't arrest me!"

Rose sighed.

"My husband has no inhibitions whatsoever," she said to the others.

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