ALAN AND TARA'S DAY IN THE CITY

Chapter Thirteen

After another twenty minutes, they headed back to their car so they could continue on. As everyone got in, Rose sat back down in the passenger side seat. She looked around when she saw Alan climbing in beside Ianto and Madison.

"Oi, you're not driving?" she said to him.

"No, I am," Jack said, getting in beside her.

He gave her a charming smile as he closed the door. He frowned when Rose started to get back out.

"Where are you going?" he said.

"Well, I figured Ianto would wanna sit by ya?"

"No, stay there, we don't have to pair up all the time, stay where you are."

Rose shrugged and closed the door. Jack started the car up and drove away. He drove slowly while they looked around but the park was mostly made up of scattered trees, picnic tables, trash cans and barbecue grills so after about ten minutes they decided to find the exit and go somewhere else. As they looked for the exit, Jack suddenly burst into song.

"It's a beautiful day with a lovely sun," he crooned. "We're just drivin' around havin' some fun."

Everyone giggled when Rose gave him an odd look.

"Gee, Jack, didn't know you were capable of singin'," she said.

"I'm capable of many things, my little Dishwashing Liquid."

"What?" Rose said as everyone laughed harder. "Dishwashing Liquid? Where'd that come from?"

"Off the top of my head, impressive huh?" he said smoothly.

"I…suppose," Rose said hesitantly.

Jack gave her a big toothy grin and went back to singing while he drove.

"Oh, it's a beautiful sunny day. We've all come here to play. We'll survive anything, come what may. It's too bad the Doctor ain't gay."

"What?" the Doctor said while Jack sniggered.

"Yeah, what?" Ianto added, eyeing him.

"Are you feeling alright, Jack?" Rose asked him.

"Never better, my Hershey's Kiss."

Rose gave him a long hard stare. Everyone laughed as she looked at the others and spun her index finger around her ear.

"Not polite to question other people's sanity, Rosie Posy," Jack said.

Rose regarded him silently for a moment.

"You and Alan planned this, didn't ya?"

"Planned what, my little Bilbo Baggins?" Jack said.

Rose looked back at Alan who was giggling uncontrollably.

"I needed a bit of a rest and I was concerned that you'd miss my usual wit if I wasn't up there driving so Jack volunteered to act like me while he filled in."

"Oh bloody hell," Rose said, rolling her eyes while everyone else laughed.

"What's the matter, Rose Ruby Romper Room, don't like my imitation of your husband?" Jack said.

Rose's head fell into her hands and she shook her head.

"MORE THAN A WOMAN," Jack said in a screechy, high-pitched voice. "MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME-HEE!"

"Okay, you can stop that now," Rose said to Jack.

"Stop what, Noodle Doodle? Oh, you mean my splendiferous impression of your hubby? I'm just getting started, Dixie Doodle Strudle Poodle."

Everyone laughed as Rose feigned exasperation but even she was giggling. Suddenly, Jack slammed on the breaks in front of a small maroon block building.

"LOOKIE, IT'S THE COMFORT STATION!" Jack shrieked as he pointed to it. "I MUST GO AND DROP SOME TROUSER CHILI. EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME!"

He opened the door, jumped out and ran to it with his hands in the air while he screamed, "!" the others giggled while he ran inside.

"Gotta admit, he's bang on with his Alan impression," the Doctor said.

"Yes, he is, which worries me since my Rose might fancy him more than me now," Alan said.

"I doubt that very seriously," Rose replied.

They heard Jack before they saw him because he ran out screaming "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" at the top of his lungs. He ran back to the car and slammed down into the driver's seat.

"Miss me, Starlight?" he said with a wide smile. "I'm sorry if I failed to amuse you for two minutes but I was in there shittin' bricks. You oughta see that two foot sausage poopy I crapped out. Had to use the plunger and my hands to break it up so it'd go down the crapper and…"

"Okay, JackAlan, I get the picture," Rose said while everyone else laughed.

Jack slammed the door and stared at her intently.

"I'm a stud, d'ya know that? A big old manly stud!"

"Just drive, ya loon," Rose said to him.

Jack put the car in gear and headed out of the park. Rose shook her head when Jack began to sing loudly again.

"I'm studly, yes I am. I'm studly, oh hot damn! I'm studly, thank ya ma'am. I'm studly even when I'm ridin' the tram!"

"God, you're so dead on with the impersonation, it's scary," Rain said to Jack.

"What's that, Rainy Painy the Insany? I couldn't hear ya because normally I tune out Dildos and Douchebags."

Alan sniggered.

"Good one, Jack!" he said to him.

Jack began to whistle as he jerked the steering wheel left and right. Everyone laughed when the van began to go back and forth in a zigzag pattern down the street.

"Okay, that's enough of that, Jack. You're gonna get us killed," Rose said.

"Nonsense, Homie, this here's my pimpmobile and I take good care of it, yo!" Jack said.

He straightened out the car and headed for the bridge. He let out an exaggerated gasp.

"A BRIDGE! METHINKS IT LEADS TO SOMEWHERE BUT WHERE DOES IT LEAD? ME WANTS TO SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jack screamed as he turned a sharp right towards it.

He looked behind him and flipped the vees.

"FUCK YOU, ISLAND; I DON'T LIKE YOU SO I'M OUTTA HERE!"

He quickly turned back around and whistled loudly while he sped the car up.

"I swear, Jack, if you wreck this car…" Rose said.

"Nonsense, Poopily-doopily, I'm an excellent driver!" Jack yelled.

The van reached the bridge and headed down it.

"A bridge, a bridge, we're on a sodding bridge, bah-ba-ba-ba-la-da-da-dadada!" Jack sang.

He pulled over to the side and stopped. He looked around to see if anyone was coming.

"Okay, Doc, I'm worn out from impersonatin' Alan, your turn."

"Excuse me?" the Doctor said.

"Come on, Doc, I did my take on Alan. Let's see yours, we still have that bet going as to who can be the wackiest today right?"

Rain and Tara giggled when a mischievous grin spread over the Doctor's face and he opened the sliding door.

"Go Daddy!" Tara said as he got out and ran around to the passenger side.

Jack switched places with him and got in beside Tara and Rain. Tara giggled when the Doctor flung himself into the passenger side and slammed the door shut as he stared at Rose with a wild eyed stare.

"Hi," he said.

Rose giggled.

"Hi, Alan."

They giggled when the Doctor stared at her quietly for a moment. Then he put his index finger in the center of her forehead.

"Got a zit there," he said.

He put the car in gear and drove off as Rose sniggered.

"So, Starlight, where shall we go? Some place where we can have tons o' sex?" the Doctor said as he drove. "Cause my ding-a-ling needs to do its thing!"

"Shouldn't we wait until later…dear?" Rose said.

"Nonsense, Shamu, my wang needs to do its thang otherwise it might melt into a puddle of goo."

Rose giggled when he gave her an intense stare for a moment.

"Hear that, I rhymed just then. I'm not only the complete stud package; I'm William Bloody Bleedin' Shakespeare!"

Rose bent over in silent laugher as everyone else except the Doctor laughed loudly. The Doctor noticed no one up ahead so he sped up.

"Gotta move before my mojo rots!" he said as he stared at the road intently. "I need to service my spousal unit and make her !"

He gave her an insane grin as everyone howled with laughter.

"Scream as in the scream I did just then, dontcha know," he said to Rose. "I was illustrating what I want you to do in the BOUDIOR later, k?"

The bridge ended.

"THANK GOD, THE BRIDGE DIDN'T COLLAPSE AND KILL ME! I'M MUCH TOO IMPORTANT AND STUDLY TO DIE!" the Doctor yelled.

He made a sharp right and turned off into a small park. He drove through the park to a shaded area, stopped and turned the car off. Rose laughed as he swiveled in his seat, leaned back against the window and folded his hands in his lap.

"Well?" he said after a moment.

"Well, what?" Rose said.

"Service me, woman! We're here in the shade in the park now pleasure this boy-o!" the Doctor said pointing repeatedly at his crotch.

"Gee, should we? There's a child here," Rose said, gesturing to Tara.

Tara giggled when her father leaned up and stared at her intently for a moment before leaning back.

"Eh, she's old enough. Besides, she has to learn about the birds and the bees sooner or later."

He sniggered when Tara let out an, "Ewww." He leaned back up and stared at her.

"None of your cheek, Tara Firma, before I flick a bogey on you," he said.

He leaned back and tapped his foot while he gave Rose a pointed look. Everyone in the car giggled as the Doctor looked at his watch, held it up to Rose's face and pointed to it. Then he pointed repeatedly to his crotch while he said in an exasperated voice, "I'm…waitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin-GAH!"

"No, I don't wanna," Rose said.

"Ex-cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME?" he yelled as they giggled. "Did I hear something defiant come out of your gobby gob just then? How dare you disobey his royal majesty, Prince Dong Schlong the Twenty Third!"

Alan sniggered at that.

"This is great, I'm picking up new material just by listening to you lot," he said.

"I will not be denied, Rose Timelord. When you married me, you were obligated to do certain things like be my willing slave who jumps at my every command. I am Lord, I am God, I am…spent."

They laughed when the Doctor suddenly slumped over and began to snore loudly. He leaned back up and sighed.

"Okay, Ianto, you're next!" the Doctor said.

Ianto gave him a shocked look.

"Me?"

"Yeah, go Ianto, show us your inner Alan," Jack said, looking back at him.

Ianto grinned when everyone began to chant his name and they cheered when he smiled broadly, got up and headed for the sliding door. The Doctor hopped out and ran around while he walked around to the driver's side. He got in and ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it up. Then he slammed the door and Rose giggled when he gave her an intense stare.

"What are you laughing about, Wang Doodle?" Ianto said. "No one laughs at my majesty, certainly not my wife-o-rama!"

He turned the car back on.

"NOW!" he screamed as everyone giggled. "This is all well and good for normal people who wanna sit around on their lazy butts but I'm not a normal guy I'm me and me wanna go -RAH!"

He put the car in gear and started off.

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ianto screamed in a high-pitched voice as everyone chortled. "OH, the open road, the excitement of a new day and new discoveries, the fact that I'm the studliest thing to ever breathe air! All this combines for a fabulous road trip with moi!"

He let out an exaggerated gasp.

"I NEED A WHITE CASTLE!" Ianto screamed. "QUICK SOMEONE GET ME A FART BURGER!"

"I'll get it, Alan!" Madison said, reaching behind her.

"Oh, thank you muchly, Maddie. It's muchly, muchly appreciated!" Ianto said as he drove east.

Maddie handed a cheeseburger up to Jack who handed it up to Ianto. Ianto put it in Rose's lap.

"Get that out and feed my face, will ya, Sweet Cheeks?" Ianto said.

Rose sniggered. She took the cheeseburger out of the box.

"Here you go, Alan," she said sweetly as she held it up to him.

Ianto took a bite of it.

"OH, THAT IS ABOUT AS GOOD AS HEAVEN AND SEX, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER!" he yelled.

He took another bite.

"SOD THAT, THIS IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING!" he yelled.

He took a third bite and finished it off.

"Nummy num num, thanks, Spousal Unit and part time burger holder," he said to her.

"You're welcome, Alan," Rose said.

Ianto glared at her.

"I didn't command you to speak, did I, huh?" he said.

"No, sorry."

"You should be. You're just as sorry as Rainy Painy the No Brainy back there."

Rain glanced back at Alan who was listening with a huge grin on his face.

"You're just loving this, aren't you?" she said.

"Too right I am," he replied. "I'm not offended at all. I think it's amusing listening to you lot interpret me."

Tara looked behind her at her father.

"Daddy, can we stop somewhere and get something to drink?" she asked.

"Ask Alan up there, not me," he said, pointing to Ianto.

Tara grinned.

"Alan!" she said to Ianto.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?" Ianto said while Rose sniggered.

"Can we stop somewhere and get something to drink?"

"Noooooooooooooooo."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not thirsty."

"I am."

"Well, tough, I'm the only one that matters so you can just drink your own saliva!"

The real Alan snickered at that and Ianto looked back and winked at her.

"Yes, we'll stop somewhere and get something to drink. I'd like a coffee myself."

"Gee, why am I not surprised?" Jack said.

Ianto stopped the Alan imitation and drove on while he concentrated on finding somewhere where they could get something to drink.

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