LIFE WITH THE FAMILY

Chapter Two

My family. My beloved family.

I can see them. Everything they do while they roam my corridors and work and play in my rooms. I have existed for centuries now, an old outdated relic that no one wanted anymore. But my beloved Doctor found me; even though I had been used previously by the Time Lord called Marnal and discarded by him before he found me. We have been together ever since and even though I had been Marnal's and by all rights his, I quickly bonded with my new owner since I knew we both needed each other and I have been his loyal friend, confidant and comforter ever since.

Then came his companions, his friends and in one instance, family member who flew with him, helping him on his sacred mission to combat the injustice in time and space. He has befriended them, mentored them and loved them. Shared in their happiness and sadness, watched them leave and watched them die and each time I remained a silent witness to it all. Watching with heavy circuits while my Doctor watched those he cared about leave him for one reason or another. Watched as the darkness in his soul grew and grew and the silent suffering that my beloved endured at their losses. He grieved almost constantly, not just for his companions but also for the innocents that suffered, ordinary people who ended up hurt or killed because they tried to assist him. Sometimes I could sense how unbearable it was for him, at times I knew he felt the urge to give in, to just lay down and die but my beloved is stronger than that and always, he rebounded and found the courage to go on, to fight the good fight and make a difference in the universe. But through it all, there was the darkness slowly creeping closer to him, threatening to overwhelm his soul and turn him into one of the monsters he was always fighting against.

This continued for centuries, my beloved fighting and dying and regenerating, pressing on despite overwhelming odds and the constant reappearance of old enemies who just refused to die or give in. On and on and on my beloved fought, alone or with his companions, I being the only constant in his tormented lives.

Then came the Time War, those agonizing 22 years of nonstop horrors that my beloved had to endure. He fought bravely, so bravely to preserve all of creation from those monstrous abominations, the Daleks. Those "things" which never should have known life to begin with but existed because of the machinations of one twisted soul who was bent on destroying everything that didn't look like his creations. My beloved fought bravely, far more bravely than most of his kind who preferred to sit back and let him fight and possibly become cannon fodder so he could save their skins. Each day of that 22 years brought a new horror, a new death, allies injured and killed and with each passing day my beloved's soul became more and more tainted and his love for life diminished bit by bit until I barely recognized him any longer. I grieved at this, grieved when the light dimmed in his eyes and he became jaded and apathetic. Near the end, he was almost like a robot, just going through the motions, shutting his hearts off to anything or anybody that could cause him pain and suffering. His speech became dull and his face looked haggard and war weary. By the time his own people asked him to do the unthinkable, he was ready to go along with it, so sick was he of fighting and watching people being killed in front of him and all the horror and gore that caused him to have violent nightmares and delay much needed restorative sleep until he had no choice but to close his eyes and face the demons.

My beloved and I both cried, each in our own way when the destruction of Gallifrey happened. The ship ended up being too close to the planet when it happened and I ended up severely damaged and he regenerated after being hit by flying debris. After that, my newly created beloved flew us off to recover but while I managed to repair myself, he never really did and I watched with anguish when he continued to be the tormented, apathetic, war survivor I had seen in the final days of his eighth life. For the longest time we drifted through the vortex and I listened while he wailed and screamed and cried, tormented by what he had done and seen and by the gaping hole that had been left in his mind after all his people had perished. I could barely stand seeing him in that state and I tried to help by taking him to peaceful, pleasant places but most of the time I couldn't coax him out the door and when he did go out it was only for a few minutes before he'd stomp back in and demand I leave.

This went on for several decades, far longer than I would have liked but I tried to give my beloved the benefit of the doubt, believing that in time he would heal from what had happened and regain the zest for life and traveling that he had before. But day after day he remained the same and finally I decided to take matters into my own circuits. I reached out through time and space to try to find someone, anyone who could help restore him to the Doctor I knew and loved. And finally, I found her on Earth. A simple shop girl named Rose. I picked a point in her personal time line when there would be a threat, a threat that my beloved couldn't ignore. Finally I found one, the Nestene Consciousness in 2005. I flew there and convinced my beloved that the Earth was in peril, appealing to his love of the planet and his innate desire to protect it at all costs. I landed near Henrick's Department Store where I knew Rose was working and just as I hoped, he headed right for it assuming that if there were Autons around they would most likely be the shop window dummies. That's how he met her and she helped him defeat and destroy the Nestene Consciousness, but to my horror, when he offered her the gift of traveling through time and space she refused and my beloved, never one to beg for companions to travel with him, went inside, started me up and took me back into the vortex. It was I who convinced him to go back. I told him to offer her another chance, that she was more than just an ordinary human being and she deserved to be his companion. He objected at first, telling me he wasn't going to bother her when she didn't want to come but I used all my charm and influence to finally convince him that she would make a good companion and he finally relented and went back for her.

It turned out to be the best move I ever made. Rose helped him in so many ways. Became a light that shined into his soul and led him away from the darkness. Little by little I saw him reverting back to the Doctor I knew and loved. Rose's love of life and eagerness to see new planets and time periods rekindled his wanderlust again and to my delight, I saw the gratefulness he felt slowly transform into love, a deep and passionate love that I had never witnessed before. Rose became his entire universe and it was that connection that helped her to heal him even further. I could see into this child's mind and saw the power contained within it, the "Bad Wolf" power that slept deep within her subconscious, a power that was finally awakened when she looked into my heart and took it within her body where my power mingled with hers and awakened the sleeping giant. She piloted me back to my beloved and I watched in silent awe while she destroyed the Doctor's greatest enemies and protected him from death. But, sadly, in order to save her life, my beloved had to lose one of his own. But, to my great delight, I saw that once he regenerated he acted even more like the Doctor I once knew and his love for Rose increased, bordering at times on adoration of her as if she were a living goddess and he was her sole disciple. These were the times I feared for him because I knew, I knew what was coming and I knew how devastated he would be when it happened but I just couldn't help but love the way she had transformed him. Even though the darkness still came to the fore at times, it was overshadowed by his warm, bouncy, bubbly self that loved to dance around my console while he laughed and joked and teased with our Rose.

But after only two short years, the good times came abruptly to an end and my shell-shocked Doctor started creeping back again towards the edge of darkness and insanity. Martha was some relief but she wasn't Rose, although I knew there were times when she wished she could be so my beloved would look her way. I understood her being in love with him but I hated the way she practically threw herself at him and the horrible names she called Rose, under her breath when she thought no one was listening, even though my beloved had told her that I was alive and conscious and could hear everything within my walls. If I had a head I would have shook it at her behavior since my beloved was clearly in pain, suffering the torment of losing someone who had meant so much to him and she not only didn't understand that, she was angry because he didn't care for her in the same way. I was glad when she finally did wise up and realized that she had to leave me before her insane jealously of Rose consumed her completely. I'm happy to say that she is not that way now, that she has found a love of her own and I enjoy her company whenever she visits.

But the darkness he had during the year she lived here was disturbing to say the least. What he did to The Family horrified me. I did not witness what he did to the "Father" and the "Son" but throwing the "Mother" out my door and standing there watching her dispassionately while she screamed in terror filled me with revulsion. Trapping the daughter, Lucy, in a mirror was no less horrifying, especially when I saw him staring at her in the mirror with a gloating look on his face. I feared for him when I saw that, knowing that Rose's absence had affected him immensely. Seeing the darkness in his eyes and his soul, I wished with all my circuits there was some way I could get to Rose and bring her back so she could cure him again. But there was no way I could get to her and the anguish and torment continued to grow more and more.

After Martha left, there was Astrid and the pain of witnessing her sacrifice her life in order to save his and Donna who did manage to bring a bit of happiness back. Donna, the no-nonsense woman who talked some sense into my beloved. But once again, he began to rely on her to help him through the dark times and even though he didn't love her as he had loved Rose, she became a best mate and I watched while he opened up to her and told her things he had never told anyone else, even Rose. I also watched while she changed, just as every companion changes when their lives have been touched by my beloved. She became more gentle, more warm and caring and compassionate and the sardonic edge I saw when they first met dulled significantly, although it didn't fade completely. But I actually enjoyed that. That sarcasm was a part of her personality and there were a few times when her caustic comments did knock some sense into my Doctor's brain and gave him a reality check. But…as with Rose, I could see what was coming. Like Rose, she was no ordinary human and she had a wider part to play in the grand scheme of things, one which would ultimately tear her away from my beloved. So reluctantly, when it came time for her to help create the clone that would eventually name himself Alan, I slammed the door, trapping her inside so her ultimate destiny would play out. And thus, Alan, my half human beloved, was born and the events that would lead to the destruction of the Daleks were set in motion.

Alan was unique, to put it mildly. An anomaly formed by the mixture of two people's DNA, a clone of my beloved, but in many ways different from him. I observed this strange new being while he flew me away from the Crucible, watched as he interacted with Donna and I quickly grew to love him. Here, I saw an opportunity for the Doctor to have someone who would understand him, who would be friends with him and a valuable ally and someone who would help ease the pain of Donna's eventual "death" and departure. I hoped fervently that both he and Rose would stay with my beloved and chase away the hated darkness. But to my horror, the Doctor stranded them both in the other universe when he took Rose's mother home. I couldn't believe what he was doing, how foolish he was to reject them both. When I realized that there wasn't much time left until the void closed, when I called to him to come, I hoped with all my circuits that he would change his mind and let them come with him. But my beloved is extremely stubborn and I could only watch with silent torment while he turned and walked back into my interior and flew away over the void. The torment increased when I watched him "kill" the true Donna, forcing her to turn back into the self-centered woman she had been before she met him, then take her back to her home. So, once again, he was alone, left with only his inner demons and darkness for company.

And it grew worse and worse. He couldn't find anyone to replace Rose in his hearts. Couldn't find someone that would help bring him back to the man he was before and he grew more and more sullen and began to despair more and more especially since he knew that eventually he would have to meet River Song and send her to her doom. I was the one who had to take him to her. I hated doing it but I had no choice, I know as well as he does that the time lines must be preserved at all costs in order to prevent a paradox and so I forced myself to fly to the dig site she was heading up so that he could meet her and put the next chapter of his life into motion.

This, I think, was one of the most painful chapters of his life. I knew he didn't have feelings for her, not like he did for Rose but he had to pretend he loved her because he knew that was how River viewed him, as a lover and not a friend. The deception and lies tore at him and the guilt and anguish he felt at condemning the poor woman to an eventual death made him despair even more and I felt the old urge to kill himself and end his unceasing pain come creeping back into his consciousness again. My beloved always tried to be true to himself and be as honest as he knew how to be with his companions, although I admit sometimes he faltered in that. But the fact that he was pretending to be River's lover when he only wanted to be her friend and lying to her about it and her fate made things even worse. He had a small respite when he finally sent her away to her house but still, that didn't help the fact that eventually he would send her back to The Library to face electrocution. I shiver when I remember the nights spent alone that occurred between her being sent back and the picnic on Derillium. Nights when he would roam my corridors crying to himself and screaming out about how unfair it was that he had been left alive when everyone else was at rest in the Great Beyond. Crying and screaming and cursing, both the universe and himself, that's all I heard and it made me ache to the core of my being and wish I had a pair of arms to hold him and comfort him.

When the day finally did happen and he did send her off, I thought that would be the end of it and perhaps he might find some peace. But then that damnable abomination the Valeyard showed up, knocked him out and took him away in his TARDIS, across the void where I couldn't feel him and he couldn't feel me. I sat there for a long time, wondering and worrying about him and what his dark version was doing to him. I knew if he died over there then I would eventually die as well but that was the furthest thing from my mind. My beloved's safety mattered more to me than my own life and I grieved nonstop while I sat there by the Singing Towers and hoped for his return.

Then he finally came back. Not only was he alive and well, but he had a new family. Alan and Rose and Donna along with three women that had come from the other universe. I couldn't believe it. Not only did my Doctor look happier than he had in years but he had a new wife at his side and everyone except the Chinese woman, Mingxia, had become like him. I was intrigued at this new development and thrilled that the Valeyard was finally destroyed for all time and couldn't threaten them anymore. I watched what happened next with interest. Rose was married to Alan which I thought would upset my beloved but I noticed with growing glee that instead of being upset and jealous about that, he had turned his affections towards the former human called Rain and loved her more deeply than he had ever loved Rose. But that wasn't the only change in him. Whatever had happened in the other universe had changed him into a different man, almost as if he had regenerated and gained a new personality without changing his body. He was happier and more peaceful than I had ever seen him and these people he had brought back to me had all bonded with one another and him and became his family and his saving grace. My beloved finally had a true family, a family who accepted him just as he was, who didn't ostracize and ridicule him and accuse him of being a murdering monster, who loved him completely and unconditionally. When I saw the darkness retreating completely from his soul and the light and sparkle coming back to his eyes, I was so thrilled I thought my circuits would pop out of the walls. He had accepted Alan like I hoped he would and they called one another Brother, which made me even more happy.

But the one that helped him the most was Rain. She loved him so much, helped ease his pain and even helped him to let go of a lot of the anger and torment he had been carrying around for years, decades and even centuries. He loved her to the very core of his being and they lived and breathed for one another as if they were one person. Whoever and whatever this Imiko is, I thank her for making them all Time Lords and Ladies and letting Rain be with her husband past her normal lifespan. Just that act alone made my beloved even more peaceful since it meant they could be together through the ages and that knowledge gave him the confidence to throw open the locked doors imprisoning his hearts and give himself to her completely. I can't tell you how thrilling it is to see them in their private moments, standing together at the console or in bed with each other, holding one another tightly and just loving the closeness of their bodies and basking in each other's love and devotion. My beloved learned how to laugh and joke and act crazy again and I've rumbled out laughter at all their antics. They're so playful with one another, so silly. It warms me to see it and feel all the love and happiness in their minds.

But it didn't stop with them. My beloved, loving the happiness that this new family provided, reached out to his other friends and companions and began to visit them again, even going so far as to celebrate birthdays and other special events, something he never really did before. Then came the discovery that his daughter, Jenny, was alive which made him even happier. Then Imiko returned and turned both her and Mingxia into Time Ladies which increased the happiness still more. Both my beloved and I loved the connection of the other's minds in our consciousness. I've wiled away many an hour listening to their conversations, both vocally and mentally, and all the fun they have together. I watched while my Rain and Awinita and Mingxia and Jenny grew in confidence and became bolder and more courageous and became the young women they were meant to be. There were now two loving, married couples within my walls and their beloved family. Then came the dogs, Blizzard and Rory, who added to the happiness and serenity and made my interior seem even more homely than it had before. I could see into my beloved's mind and for the first time since I had met him, there were no traces of darkness, only peace and love and contentment. If I had tear ducts, I would have wept with joy at this, knowing that the one I loved had finally found the happiness he had been searching for all his lives.

Because of this, I began to reach out and search for more signs of family members or friends that had been lost to him. I wanted more reasons for him to be happy since I was reaping the benefits of it and that's when I found his long lost son, Dex. I could sense his consciousness hidden in a fob watch in 1863. I knew that his son had been bitter and angry at my beloved in the past because of his former wife's actions. But I also knew that it was time for all of that to end and for their devastated relationship to be healed. So I took it upon myself to fly to their farm in 1863 and let my beloved family find him so he could be cured at last and join them.

Unfortunately, Dex nearly destroyed both my Doctor and Alan's happiness when he tried to burn alive both their family and his own in a barn but eventually my beloved did get through to his son and convinced him to get treatment. Once he did, he joined the others with his wife and two daughters giving my beloved not only his son back but two granddaughters and a daughter in law as well. Now they are off on a quest with Jack and Dex to find six others, four men and two women who have also turned themselves human and are waiting to be restored. I hope they do find them and that their minds will join the minds of my ever-growing family and make them even happier.

Centuries ago when my beloved first stepped inside me and claimed me as his own I never would have dreamed that there would come a day when there would be so much love within these walls. My tormented Doctor who made a point of holding people at arm's length and shoving them away when they got too close has become a new man and has now done just the opposite. I have bonded with all of them now just as deeply as I have with him and I know that they will be here for a long time to come because he cannot live without them now and neither can I.

Eight individuals reside here full time at the moment. All of them are so different and yet when they come together, they compliment and complete each other. Each of them now a part of one another's souls, working together as a group, helping one another not only in fighting monsters but in everyday life as well. They came from different backgrounds, have different personalities and temperaments, some are more silly, some more serious but all of them are completely perfect for each other and I couldn't ask for a better, more loyal, more loving family for my Doctor. For the first time since I was grown, I am glad to be alive and be here to witness this and I look forward to seeing what the future brings for all of them, my beloved family.

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