LIFE WITH THE FAMILY
A/N: In this story Dex and Jack aren't with them. This takes place before the Doctor found his son. Chapter Three "So, what is the name of this planet then?" Mingxia said. "No idea. I set the controls to random, just for fun." Donna snorted. "Yeah and the last time he did that I stepped outside and nearly froze my bum off. Not to mention we had to go rescue the Ood from their slave masters." "Well, they needed to be rescued," the Doctor said. "Yeah but they could have chosen a planet with warmer temperatures to live on." The Doctor sighed and looked at his wife. "You're excited, aren't you?" he asked her. "Yes, I am." "You love traveling with me, don't you?" "Yes, I do." "You don't feel like griping to me about the climate of the planets we visit, do you?" "No, I don't." She giggled when he gave her an affectionate pat on the head and turned back to the others. "Anyway, let's sally forth, brave adventures and see what wonders this planet holds." Much to Donna's relief, the climate was warm and sunny and all of them strolled out of the TARDIS into a crowded marketplace. The Doctor glanced around and noticed a man standing behind one of the stalls. He wasn't busy at the moment so they walked over. "Hello there, can I interest you in some pretty necklaces? We have the finest Orzelean stones in the galaxy," he said, pointing to the sky blue stone inside a pendant. "No, thanks," the Doctor said. "We're on a rocket tour of the galaxy and we just come to planets at random. What is the name of this planet?" "Ass Face." The Doctor's mouth dropped open. "See here, I was just asking a simple question. There's no need to be rude!" he said to him. "I wasn't being rude," the man said. "You asked the name of the planet and I told you, it's Ass Face." The Doctor stared at him in shock while the rest of his family fought to keep from laughing. "Your planet's name is Ass Face?" the Doctor said. The man gave him a confused look. "Yes, why?" "Well, it…seems like a strange name for your planet." "In our language, Ass Face means beautiful world, which it is. Look around you. What's so strange about that?" "Nothing, nothing at all. Ass Face is a lovely name. And it's a beautiful planet. Gorgeous, very ass face indeed. Thanks so much for your time. I'll let you get back to work now." "You're very welcome, Sir. Have a good day," he said. "You too." They walked away and hurried out of earshot before all of them laughed hysterically. "I can't believe the planet is called Ass Face," Awinita said. "Well, like he said, it means something completely different in their language," the Doctor said. "That happens a lot, you know. Occasionally you'll find the same word in two different languages and sometimes the word might have a benign meaning in one culture and an offensive meaning in another. But now that we've had a laugh, let's respect their culture and have fun exploring Ass Face." He grinned when all of them giggled again. They quickly sobered up and walked back towards the marketplace. (An hour later…) "And now we've ended up prisoners," Donna said while they stood together in a cell in a dark, dank dungeon. "Yup, why did I figure this would happen at some point?" "Well, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the screaming, panicking man was bait for a slave catcher," the Doctor replied. "Well, I just hope we get outta here," Awinita said. "I really don't wanna die on a planet named Ass Face." The Doctor hushed them when they heard a heavy metal door open and close. A man walked up to their cell and smirked at them. He was in his mid-thirties with short dark brown hair, a fat, pasty face and beady dark eyes. He was wearing a navy blue military outfit with gold epaulets on the shoulders. He chuckled. "Naive little fools, so eager to rush to my assistant's aid," he said. "Now you will all end up as my brainwashed slaves and you will willingly help me conquer the universe." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the Doctor said. "Before you turn us into your willing puppets, might we know the name of our lord and master?" He threw his head back proudly. "I am Supreme General Knicker Inspector!" he said. They all stared at him. "Do what?" the Doctor said. "I said I am Supreme General Knicker Inspector and you will become my slaves. Soon you will cease to think for yourselves and…what's so funny?" he said when he noticed all of them were sniggering softly. "Nothing, nothing really, just having a laugh," the Doctor said. "You dare to laugh at the mighty Knicker Inspector, the scourge of the galaxy?" Everyone bit their lips while the Doctor shrugged. "No, not laughing at you in any way. It's a private joke, really," he said. "So, what's the name of your assistant?" Awinita said. "Panty Raid?" Knicker Inspector's mouth dropped open when they all laughed. "I will not be mocked!" he said. "Especially by a bunch of soon to be slaves! I am Knicker Inspector and you will bow down before me and become my mindless soldiers. And then once you are in my control, I will not only send you out to conquer Ass Face but it's sister planet, Butt Munch, and once that is subjugated, the entire universe." "Wait, there's another planet around here called Butt Munch?" Rose said. "Yes, Ass Face and Butt Munch are twin planets and you will help me conquer them. Then afterwards we will move on to the other nearby planets, Diarrhea and Booty Call." They could barely keep their laughter in. "I'm sorry but are the planets actually called these names or is this what the citizens of Ass Face call them?" the Doctor said. "It is our names for them. We don't care what they call themselves." "Okay, just checking." Knicker Inspector frowned when he noticed the giggling beginning again. "What is so funny?" "Nothing!" the Doctor said. He glared at them. "I will not be mocked, I warn you! If you continue to laugh at me, I will put you in my douche right now!" They all stopped their laughter. "Douche?" Awinita said. "What's that?" An evil grin spread across Knicker Inspector's face. "The douche is my brainwashing machine. One I hook you up to it, your thoughts will be washed away." "Oh yeah," Rain said. "I'm sure the douche does a good job of washing away everything." Everyone bit down on their lips so hard they almost drew blood. "I'm warning you!" he said to Rain. "If you don't shut up this instant, I'll use my dildo on you!" They glanced at each other. "What's a dildo?" Rain asked innocently. He walked away and the Doctor and the others giggled. When they saw him again, they quickly sobered up. "This!" Knicker Inspector said, pointing to a large halberd in his hand "is my dildo. And if you don't shut up, I will ram it into your body!" The Doctor and Rain glanced at each other. "So, let me get this straight," Rain said. "If I don't shut up, I'll get…a dildo up my ass?" "Yes, that's the perfect place to put it, you insolent slave." Rain moved behind her husband. The Doctor fought to keep from laughing when she put her face on his back to try to stifle her laughter. Watch this, my family, the Doctor thought to them. Time for a bit of melodramatic acting. He gave Knicker Inspector an imploring look. "Please, I'm begging you. Let my family go. Don't wash their minds with your douche or ram your dildo into them. Please, I'll do anything you want but don't put your dildo up their arses." The other members of his family turned around and slammed their hands over their mouths. "Then you'll willingly help me conquer the galaxy?" "Yes, Supreme General Knicker Inspector. I will be your slave and help you subjugate Ass Face, Butt Munch, Diarrhea and Booty Call. You can douche my brain all you like. All I ask is you keep your dildo away from the others and don't use it on them. I can't bear the thought of them dying with your dildo up their arses." Oh God, Awinita thought to the others. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to keep from pissing my pants with laughter. Of all the places to be captured. God, I can't believe we're on planet Ass Face being threatened with death and enslavement by someone named Knicker Inspector. The family laughed inside their minds which nearly made the Doctor lose his composure. "So, how 'bout it, Knicker Inspector? Me in exchange for everyone else here?" he said. "I shall have to think about it. I need slaves and I can't afford to trade seven of them for one. But I must tend to other matters at present. I will send my servant, Poncy Bastard, to keep an eye on you. You already know him since he was the bait for my trap." "Yes, Poncy Bastard, I can't believe he caught us," the Doctor said. There was another wave of laughter in his mind. Knicker Inspector stared at him for a moment before he shook his head and walked off. When he was out of earshot, everyone roared with laughter. "Ah, we may die or be turned into mindless slaves at any minute, but at least we'll all have a smile on our faces," the Doctor said. "And now that's over, any ideas for escape before we get douched and dildoed?" "Well, unfortunately, our screwdrivers were taken from us. That Poncy Bastard, how dare he steal our property," Alan said. "I'm kinda disappointed," Awinita said. "I was hoping he'd be named Panty Raid but Poncy Bastard is good too." They turned their heads when Poncy Bastard entered through the dungeon door and walked up to them. He was small, fat and toad-like with a bloated face, thinning hair and beady eyes. They giggled at the sight of him. "I wouldn't laugh if I were you, very soon you will all get douched." "Good," Rain muttered. "Lately, I've had that not so fresh feeling inside." They all laughed inside their minds. Jenny glanced at Poncy Bastard and noticed he had a laser blaster in a holster at his side. Leave it to me, Dad; I'll handle this, she thought to him. The Doctor watched her while she walked to the cell bars and smiled warmly at Poncy Bastard. The Doctor and Donna could barely keep from laughing out loud when they noticed she was doing a repeat of her flirting maneuver she did on Messaline. To his delight, the Doctor noticed it was working again and the sweaty lump of a man seemed to enjoy the fact that a pretty woman was making a pass at him. And just like before, he got near enough to the bars to let his daughter grab his pistol and point it at his fat gut. "Let us out of here before you're the one that gets the dildo up your arse," she said sweetly. "Wow, that needs to be her trademark fighting maneuver now," Donna said. "You don't scare me, little girl. I'm not afraid of dy…" He flinched when Jenny raised the blaster and shot it above his head. She put it against his forehead. "If you're not afraid of dying, then I'm not afraid to kill ya," she said sweetly. The Doctor quickly thought some instructions to his brother. They moved up on either side of Jenny. Alan grabbed his shirt with both hands and pressed his body up against the bars while the Doctor searched his trouser pockets. He found their screwdrivers and passed them out to his family. "Well, actually, we don't need you to get us out anymore," the Doctor said, shrugging. "So I guess my daughter can kill ya. Go ahead, Jen." "No!" Poncy Bastard said. "Please, I was just bluffing. I really don't want to die." "How many other slaves do you have?" the Doctor demanded. "None." He narrowed his eyes. "Don't lie to me." "No, really, you're the first batch. We just came up with this idea a few days ago." The Doctor used his screwdriver on the lock and unlocked it. Both Jenny and Alan forced their captive to move back and all of them except Jenny and Alan walked out of the cell. The Doctor put the tip of his screwdriver against the back of Poncy Bastard's head. "Inside the cell or I fry your brains with this," he said. He smirked when Poncy Bastard obeyed and went in. Jenny and Alan quickly came out and he slammed the door. He locked it with the screwdriver and waved at him. "See ya later, Poncy Bastard. We're going to go after Knicker Inspector next," he said. They hurried away while Poncy Bastard screamed for help. "What is all that screaming about?" Knicker Inspector said while he headed down the stairs towards the dungeon. "If my slaves have done something to my assistant, they'll be douched without further delay." "Not if I ram your dildo up your arse first!" Knicker Inspector froze on a landing when the Doctor and his family came through a nearby door. The Doctor pointed the halberd at him. "So if I were you, I'd go downstairs and join your associate in your cell because I will ram this dildo somewhere unpleasant if you don't." He snarled at him. "You don't scare me! I am not afraid of death and you and your little group will suffer dearly for this!" He let out a scream of rage. The Doctor quickly thought out a plan of attack to his family. They waited till he began to rush them. They waited till the last moment and then ran out of the way while he ran past them. The Doctor kicked him hard in the ass sending him to the floor inside the closet they had hid in. Alan slammed the door and locked it with his screwdriver. "Right, let's go find the proper authorities and have them take these two away for a nice little holiday in prison," the Doctor said. "Ah," the Doctor said when they settled into the chairs and sofas in the living room, "well, that was an unusual experience, to say the least." He smiled when Blizzard leapt up on his lap and he scratched her head. Rory walked over to Jenny who was sitting on the floor and she played with him. "I'm just glad Knicker Inspector didn't put us in his douche after we kept laughing at him," Awinita said. "Yeah, that was the hardest part," Mingxia said. "Trying not to laugh." "Makes you wonder what other English words there are in their language," Rose said. "Well, I don't know about you, but I wanna visit planet Booty Call next," Alan said. They laughed. "No, Bro, let's go to Diarrhea," Rain said. He made a face. "What if there's a reason they call it that?" he said to her. "Now, Booty Call, that could be fun." "Nah, go to Butt Munch, just to say we've gone," Rose said. "And then we'll get t-shirts that say I've been to Butt Munch?" Alan said. She giggled. "Exactly." "Well, it's a good thing Angel thought of using her Messaline Special on that Poncy Bastard, otherwise we might never have gotten free," the Doctor replied. "And believe me, it wasn't pleasant doing that," Jenny replied. "Man was all sweaty and smelly, ick!" "Maybe he just needs to be douched, Honey," Rain said while they laughed. "I'm glad he didn't use that on us. I really don't want it to get out I was douched by General Knicker Inspector. I'd be the laughing stock of the universe then," the Doctor said. He smiled at them. "Now see, you can have fun when you set the controls to random, eh?" he said to them. "I s'pose," Rose said. "But the next time you do that and we end up on planet Fart Blossom and get captured by Major Wank Off who threatens to kill us with his Vaginal Cream machine, we're gonna all leave ya there and let you sort it out." They all giggled when the Doctor rolled his eyes and flipped them off.
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