LIFE WITH THE FAMILY
Chapter Six It was another slow day on the TARDIS. The Doctor and his family decided to take a break and rest on the TARDIS. The Doctor and Alan went off somewhere while the rest of them played board games in the living room and watched TV. Eventually Rain and Rose began to wonder what their husbands were up to so they asked the TARDIS to lead them to wherever they were at. The TARDIS obliged and they found themselves walking down a long corridor to a wooden door. They opened it up and noticed there was a lush green countryside with rolling hills everywhere. There was a simulated sun shining in the sky and simulated birds flying overhead. The whole scene was very picturesque. "Very beautiful," Rain said. "I wonder what they're doing in here?" she said. Rose shrugged. "One way to find out," she said. She mentally called to their husbands telling them they were in the room and they assured them they would join them in a minute. They waited by the door talking to one another. Suddenly they heard a rumbling sound and noticed two golf cars coming over the hill in front of them. Their husbands were both driving one and in the back of each were a bag of clubs. They rumbled up to them and stopped. "Wonderful," Alan said to the Doctor. "We now have two caddies, Brother." "You're playing golf?" Rain said. "Yes, we don't do it very often but it's an enjoyable pastime," the Doctor said. "Climb in." "Gee, I don't know, if we're going to be your caddies now," Rain said. "Nah, we're just havin' ya on. We don't need caddies," the Doctor said. "Climb in." The two women glanced at each other and climbed into the carts. They sat beside their husbands and they turned the vehicles around and rumbled back up over the hill. Once they were at the top, both women saw an elaborate golf course spread out below them. They rumbled down the hill and drove back to the spot where they had placed the tee. They parked their carts and Rose and Rain got out while they selected their clubs and balls and went over to the tee. "Anyway, Brother, I believe it was your turn?" Alan said. The Doctor nodded and put his ball on the tee. The other three stood behind him while he placed his wooden club behind the ball. "Fore!" the Doctor yelled as he drew his arms back. He followed through and hit the ball. Everyone watched while it flew up high into the air and landed on the green several feet from the hole. "Blast!" the Doctor muttered. Alan snickered while he walked to his golf cart. He beckoned to Rain and she got in beside him. They rumbled down the hill towards the green. "What hole is this?" Rose asked. "Sixth," Alan said. "This is actually our second game of the TARDIS Open. He won the first round. Sometimes we play with robot monsters chasing us around to make the game more exciting but we're not in the mood for that today." He chuckled when Rose gave him an odd look and shook her head. "We're not playing a serious game; this is just for fun, mind. Sometimes we make up our own rules just to make things interesting." They watched while the Doctor used his putter and sank the ball into the hole. He grabbed the ball, walked back to the cart, jotted his score down on his score sheet and he and Rain leaned against the cart and watched him. Alan walked over, put his ball on the tee and put his wooden club behind the ball. "Fore!" He paused and giggled and recited loudly… "Score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure..." "Just hit the bloody ball, Lincoln," the Doctor yelled while Rain and Rose laughed. "Just watch this shot, Brother!" Alan yelled. He positioned the club, drew his arms back and hit the ball. He grinned when it sailed through the air but the grin fell off his face when the ball landed several feet past the green. "Watch what? You failing miserably?" the Doctor yelled. "I will beat you! I swear I will!" Alan yelled back, shaking his fist while the women laughed. He winked at Rose. "Come along, my little lucky charm," he said to her. "I'm not that lucky, you didn't even hit the smooth area." "It's the green, Starlight, and yes you are, your luck just needs time to warm up. But onward…" They climbed in the cart and started down the hill. "You know what this golf cart needs?" he said to her on the way to the green. "What?" "Banjo music." Rose gave him an odd look. "Banjo music?" "Yes, it needs golf cart traveling music and I think a jaunty banjo tune would be just perfect." "Um…if you say so, dear," Rose said while he giggled. They stopped the cart and he chose an iron while the Doctor watched him. Remember, get the ball on the green, Brother," the Doctor said, pointing to the green. Rain and Rose laughed when he flipped him off. They watched while he positioned the club behind the ball. "AH-BLOODY-CHOOOOOOOOO!" Rain and Rose laughed when the Doctor screamed at him. Alan walked over to him and held the end of the club up to his face. "See, this flat part here?" he said, pointing to it "You want this smacking into your gob because I won't hesitate to do it if you don't button it." The Doctor held his fist up to his Brother's face. "See this round part here?" he said pointing to his hand. "This will smack into your gob and your pearly whites will end up scattered around you in a lovely fairy ring if you assault me with your club. Now, be a good brother, turn around and make your shot before I have to resort to a duel to resolve our dispute." "Duel, eh? I accept! When and where?" "After the match, in the TARDIS dueling room." "I'll be there. In the meantime…" Alan took Rain's hand and led her away. "HA! I'm hijacking your mascot now so weep, weep for your loss!" "I swear to God, you two are completely daft," Rose said while they laughed. Alan stopped Rain a few feet from the ball. "You're mine now so don't even think of going back to him. You'll never see him again, Te'lesu. Now you will serve me and…GET BACK HERE!" he said when Rain walked away. He feigned anger when Rain giggled and walked back to the Doctor's side. He positioned the club behind the ball, hit it and watched while the ball rolled onto the green a foot away from the hole. Grumbling he switched out the iron for his putter and walked over. "I guess I'm gonna win again," the Doctor said, letting out a contented sigh. "You just wait till we get to the dueling room," Alan said, positioning the putter behind his ball. "Soon everyone will have no trouble telling us apart." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, "the Doctor said, opening and closing his hand. "Yak, yak, yak, putt the ball so we can move on, gobby boy!" Rain and Rose laughed when Alan put his hands on his hips and gave him a dirty look for a moment before he went back to concentrating on the ball. He putted the ball into the hole and fished it out. "I believe I will count that as a hole in one," Alan said, walking back to his cart. "And why are we counting it as a hole in one?" the Doctor said to him. "I'm giving myself a bonus for putting up with you." "Well, I deserve three hole in ones then," the Doctor said, shrugging. They laughed when Alan stuck his tongue out and grabbed his score sheet. The Doctor sauntered over and looked over his shoulder while he penciled in his score. "I'm scoring it correctly," Alan said, incensed. "Just making sure," the Doctor said, walking back. Rain and Rose laughed when the brothers climbed in their carts. The Doctor waved at him while he passed his non-moving cart. "See you at your next humongous failure!" he called to him. "See you at your next humongous failure!" Alan repeated in a loud, snotty voice while the women laughed harder. They watched while he went over the hill to the next hole. He looked at Rose who was still giggling. "You know, normally, I hate golf but watching you two play it is quite entertaining," Rose said when she finally sobered up. He smiled and kissed her lips. "Well, I guess we better go and watch my brother now," he said. "I just wish we had the travelin' music to accompany us and…" He trailed off. His eyes widened and he slapped his forehead. "And aren't we in the TARDIS?" he said to himself. Rose watched while he leaned out and glanced up at the sky. "TARDIS, I need a jaunty banjo tune for our golf cart. A little travelin' music please!" The TARDIS rumbled out laughter and nudged his mind playfully. He grinned at Rose and started the cart. They laughed when banjo music played loudly overhead. They reached the top of the hill and laughed harder when they saw the Doctor and Rain standing beside their cart looking around in confusion. They rumbled towards them and as soon as he stopped the music stopped. "What the hell was that?" the Doctor said. "Why did the TARDIS suddenly act like we were in the middle of the Deliverance movie?" "Oh, that was me. I wanted some travelin' music for my cart and I thought a quirky banjo tune would be just the thing." Rain bent over laughing when the Doctor gave him an odd look. "Banjo music, eh?" he said. "You didn't like the twangy little tune? I thought it went perfectly with the little cart," Alan said. "Mmm…" the Doctor said while the woman laughed harder. "If you say so, Brother." Alan looked at Rose when he selected one of his wooden clubs. "He liked it," Alan said to her. "Like he said, if you say so," Rose said. The Doctor placed a tee in the ground and placed his ball on top of it. Beyond the green was a large lake. While he positioned the club, Rain saw the TARDIS move the flag away from the hole. Her eyes widened when the Doctor suddenly held the tip of his club in front of her face. "Blow on this for me, for luck?" Rain smiled and blew on it. "Thanks." "We're not playing craps, Brother," Alan said while Rose laughed. "I know that. But I need a little spousal unit lucky charmness," he said. "My Rain's breath has magical qualities, observe." He positioned the club behind the ball, yelled out fore and hit it. It sailed through the air and hit the green a foot away from the hole. "See, perfection," he said smugly. "How'd ya figure, perfection would have been a hole in one," Alan said. "Shhhh, I'm boosting my wife's self esteem," he said in a stage whisper while Rain laughed. "Oh, okay, yes, it's absolute perfection then," Alan said, rolling his eyes. "Come, my love," the Doctor said to Rain. They climbed in the cart. "Oh yes…about the whole Rain never seeing me again? Guess that didn't pan out, did it?" He grinned at him while the golf cart rumbled down the hill. "It'll pan out when we duel and I make your regenerate into Jabba the Hutt!" Alan yelled while Rose laughed. "We'll see how long she wants to shag ya when you're a big, blobby, podgy, drooling slug monster!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the Doctor yelled back over his shoulder. They stopped the cart several feet away and got out. "See us standing here?" the Doctor yelled to him. "Don't hit us when you're executing your poorly aimed shot! Your sister would like to finish out the rest of this life without a golf ball lodged in her forehead." "Button it, Jabba!" Alan yelled back while both women bent over laughing. Alan grinned when he noticed his wife was leaning against the golf cart roaring with laughter. He put his ball on the tee. "Mark my words, Starlight, I will shoot the bastard and the next think you know, he'll be lying on a big concrete slab laughing ho, ho, ho while Rain dances for him. You just watch. Once this game is finished, he's gonna be fat, flabby and flatulent." "You sure it's not gonna be you that regenerates?" she said. His mouth dropped open when he leaned back up. "Never! I'm a far better shot than him. Besides, if he shoots me I'll just end up ginger and then he'll have to envy me." "Mmm…" Rose said. He positioned his club, aimed and hit the ball. Rose laughed when the ball sailed over the green and went ker-plunk into the lake. She laughed harder when the Doctor walked over to the edge of it, stared out at the lake and walked over to the green and stared at it. "Um, Brother?" the Doctor yelled. "Call me crazy, but I was under the impression this was the green, not the big soggy thing behind me." "Shut up!" Alan yelled while they laughed. "Well, you know what they say, play it where it lies. Good luck getting your ball out of the water and into the hole!" the Doctor called out. "I'll be waiting down here with your scuba gear so hurry along and don't keep the fishies waitin'." Alan rolled his eyes. He shoved his club back in the bag and both he and Rose got in. He grinned when he started off and the banjo music started up again. Reaching the bottom, he and Rose drove around in a circle three times before he finally stopped beside his brother. "Ah! Love that travelin' music!" he said, getting out with Rose. "It raises my spirits." "Too bad the travelin' music can't raise your ball as well," the Doctor said. His eyes widened when he pulled a ball out of his bag and walked towards the green. "Ah! No! Nope! Wrong! You play it where it lies!" "Ah, put a sock in it, Grandpa!" Alan said, putting the ball at the edge of the green. "Did he just tell me to put a sock in it…and refer to me as Grandpa?" the Doctor said to Rain. "Yes, love, he did." "Oooo, bad form, you just wait till that duel!" "I wouldn't be in a hurry to get to it seeing how you'll end up a gigantic rolly-polly space slug," Alan said, positioning his putter behind the ball. "You're just so certain I'm gonna be Jabba the Hutt." "I know you'll be." "What if I kill you first?" "Well, as I was telling my wife, I'll make myself ginger just to spite you." "Uh-huh and I'll be pulling your hair out by the roots just to spite you," the Doctor said while they laughed. "Chatter away, Brother dear, your time in that body is near its end." "Yeah, I'm soiling myself now as we speak. Just make the shot so we can get back to your bloody banjo music." "Oh yeah, can't miss that," Alan said. He putted the ball and his mouth dropped open when the ball hit the rim of the hole and skimmed it around to the other side. "Oh, never mind, I take it back, Brother. Make as many shots as you want!" the Doctor said while Rain laughed. "Use all the balls you want if you're gonna make shots like that!" He gave him a look of innocence when Alan flipped him off. He made another shot and the ball went in the hole. "'Bout sodding time," the Doctor muttered to Rain. "I was afraid we'd have to wait another 1200 years for him to get it in the hole." Alan grabbed his ball and walked over to Rain. "Truthfully, you love me more, right?" he said. Rain pretended to consider that and then threw her arms around her husband. "Oho, that little rejection musta stung," the Doctor said, gleefully. "Sorry, Alan, Rain loves me so you can forget your dream of keeping her forever. Now get in your cart and go so we can get the banjo serenade over with." "One of these days, one of these days, POW, right in the kisser," Alan said, shoving his finger in the Doctor's face. "Yada, yada, yada, go!" the Doctor said, waving him away. Rose giggled when Alan took her around the waist and gave her a kiss on the cheek before giving him a pointed look. "Is that supposed to torment me or something?" the Doctor said, shrugging. "I own her!" he said, pointing to the top of her head. The Doctor raised his eyebrow. "I think the misses might have something to say about that, mate," he said to him. "Even I'm not bold enough to say that about Rain." He grinned when Alan and Rose got into the cart and took off with the banjo music echoing overhead. "Come, my Latara, it's time to play let's outdo my brother," the Doctor said to her. They got in the cart and the Doctor leaned out and looked up at the sky. "TARDIS, I am the true master of this ship which means you will give us some travelin' music as well. And by travelin' music, I mean a full big band Sousa orchestra that will put his twangy banjo to shame! Here me, my ship and blast the 1812 Overture now!" Rain laughed when they started off and the 1812 overture thundered overhead. They went over the hill and saw Rose laughing hysterically while Alan stared at them with wide eyes. The Doctor gave him a smug look while he took a leaf from Alan's book and drove around and around in a circle waiting until after the explosive cannon finale before finally stopping by his cart. "Ah! You're right, Brother, travelin' music does help," he said while Rain slumped in her seat, red faced with laughter. "I particularly liked the cannons; they made me feel big and bold while I drove. So anyway, your shot?" Rose grinned and patted Alan's head when he looked at her. "Always gotta outdo everyone no matter what happens," he said to her. "Too right I do. That's why I'm the stuff of legend and you're the stuff of nonsense," he said to him. "I rule the roost here and my music must outshine everyone's. Now make the shot, we got several holes to go and I got a duel to get to." Alan stared at him for a moment and then put his club back in the bag. He walked over to the Doctor and took his hand. "Oh, how lovely, are we goin' on a nice stroll, hand in hand?" the Doctor said while they walked. "Are we gonna end up spooning on the green next?" The women laughed while Alan ignored him and led him up the hill. The stood next to each other and watched while Alan talked to him softly for a moment and then their eyes widened when they started playing scissors, paper, stone. "What are they doing?" Rain asked Rose. "God only knows." Alan laughed when his paper beat the Doctor's stone. "I knew it! I am the better man!" he said, thrusting his arms in the air. He walked around, whooping and hollering while the Doctor looked at the women and spun his finger around and around his ear. "Ha! There are some things you cannot beat me at!" Alan said, thrusting his finger at the Doctor. "Wow! You won one round of scissors, paper, stone. Yeah, you're just on a winning streak now!" the Doctor said loudly. Alan gave him an incensed look. "You! You always ruin my moment of glory! Curse you!" Alan said. He looked up at the TARDIS. "TARDIS! Glove! Small, white and cotton!" he said, holding out his hand. There was a flash and a small cotton glove appeared in his hand. Alan grabbed it and swatted the Doctor across the cheek with it. "How dare you impugn my honor, sir! I shall see you lying dead at my feet." The Doctor held out his hand. "TARDIS, boxing glove, the bigger, the better!" There was a flash and his hand was covered by a boxing glove. Rain and Rose roared with laughter when he bopped his brother on the head with it. "Ha ha! Advantage mine!" the Doctor said while Rose and Rain nearly wet themselves with laughter. "And now that the formalities are over with, water pistols, twenty paces!" "Agreed!" They held out their hands and the TARDIS replaced both gloves with large fully loaded super soakers. "Ah, yes," Alan said, looking at his, "a fine weapon indeed." He looked at Rose. "Well get up here, seconds! We need you to officiate this!" he yelled at them. Rose and Rain glanced at each other and climbed up the hill towards them. "Prepare to face execution, you blaggard!" Alan said to the Doctor. "I shall triumph over you!" the Doctor said. "I am not afraid to die. I have faced death before and have overcome it. So do your worst, you evil twin person, you!" "How dare thee?" Alan said while the woman laughed. "Thou art a pestilence upon this land, a plague, and I shall smite thee. Verily, you will be smote. So seconds, tell us how many paces so I can make with the smooting." "Smooting?" Rose said while Rain laughed harder. "Yes, yes, yes, smooting. How many paces?" Alan said, tapping his foot. "Um, okay, 400 paces, turn and fire," Rose said. They stared at her. "Um, Starlight, I know you think the room is huge, but trust me, it's not that huge," Alan said. "Oh, alright, 10 paces, turn and fire," Rose said, feigning exasperation. They turned and put their backs against each other. "Wow, you have quite a firm back, Brother," Alan said. "You do too," the Doctor said while they giggled. "Okay, ready?" Rose said. "Yes, I am ready to kill him!" the Doctor said. "Not if I kill you first!" Alan replied. "Okay," Rose said, rolling her eyes and looking at Rain. "One…" "Fire, Brother! Get em!" the Doctor said. Rose and Rain screamed when the two of them turned and began to squirt their wives. They laughed while they chased them down the hill. "TARDIS! Benny Hill travelin' music while we squirt them!" Alan yelled. The Benny Hill theme played overhead while they laughed and squirted their squealing spouses. "Oh yes! Nothing like an afternoon of golf to get the adrenaline pumping, eh Brother?" Alan said to the Doctor while they soaked them with water. "Oh yes, golf is the perfect game for a lazy afternoon! It's nice, quiet and completely stress-free!" They laughed and continued to squirt their wives while the TARDIS rumbled out laughter overhead.
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