LIFE WITH THE FAMILY
Chapter Seven "Hello there, I am Alonzo Arthur Timelord and this…is my life!" Alan walked along through the TARDIS holding a small video camera while he filmed a faux documentary. "The TARDIS," he said in a hushed melodramatic voice, "the greatest ship in the universe. The ship that puts other ships to shame. And…my home." He turned the camera around and grinned a big toothy grin. "Yup, this is sanctum sanctorum for me. Home sweet home. I'm the luckiest bloke in the universe because I get to live here. And I'm even luckier because I have a wonderful family to share this home with me. Let's go and find them, shall we?" He turned the camera around and headed for the console room. "First off is my beloved brother, the Doctor. He's usually up here messing about so let's go say hello." He walked into the room and stopped when he noticed the room was empty. He stood for a moment filming the console while the rotor moved up and down. "Hmmm, it appears O Captain; My Captain isn't at the helm as usual. Good job we don't get hurricanes in the vortex…or icebergs. Course hurricanes would be more fun because then the Doctor would end up tying Rain to the central column like it was the mast. Course I'm sure the randy bugger would just tie her up there anyway but I digress…let's go over and take a look at the console." He walked over to it. "Behold, my brother's handiwork. Over the years, he's put together this hotchpotch of weird crap that now stands in for proper switches and buttons. Like this bicycle pump right here. Normally that would be used to inflate tires but nope, Brother Dear's using it for the vortex loop. Genius or insanity, you make the call." He walked over to the monitor. "Now this is where he usually stands but since he's off doing something I'll gladly usurp his throne and claim his TARDIS for mine own. So I am your master now, TARDIS! Obey me!" He smiled when the TARDIS rumbled out laughter and flashed the console room lights on and off for him. "She's showing off, she likes to do that," Alan said, turning the camera around. He turned it back around and rubbed the rim of the console. "Yup, the best bloody ship in the universe," he said, fondly. The TARDIS rumbled lovingly and flashed her lights again. "Well, now that I'm done seizing my brother's time ship, let's go find my loyal subjects," he said, walking off. The TARDIS laughed and moved the corridors so he went right to the living room where Mingxia and Awinita were playing chess. "Aha! Here we are!" he said while the women jerked their heads up and stared at him in confusion. He walked over to him. "This is Awinita and Mingxia, two of my sisters," he said, filming them. They looked at each other. "What are you doing, Bro?" Awinita said. "Filming a documentary about me and my life here." They looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to their game. "Yes, my sisters love to play chess. Although Awinita positively sucks at it." "I do what, now?" Awinita said while Mingxia laughed and pumped her fist in the air. "You suck or putting the phrase into Americanese, you suck donkey balls." "Get out of here before I make you suck your own balls, Bro," Awinita said while Mingxia laughed harder. "Hmmm, I see several moves you could execute, Mingxia, dear," Alan said. "Yes, I do too," she said. "Yup, my sister sucks and it's only a matter of time until she is soundly defeated by her more brilliant, capable Time Lady sister, Mingxia." "Damn straight," Mingxia said. Awinita stood up. "Hi, I'm Awinita, the apparently less brilliant, less capable sister. But there is one thing I know how to do well and that's destroy cameras and shove the broken pieces up people's asses. So unless you want a demonstration of that, Bro, you will go elsewhere and leave us the hell alone, got it?" "Leaving you alone now," he said while they laughed. "So anyway, that's my bitchy sister and her sister, Mingxia. I…" Mingxia laughed when Awinita chased him from the room. "Well, anyway, moving on," Alan said. The TARDIS rearranged the corridors and led him to the kitchen where Rose, Donna and Jenny were having lunch consisting of chicken soup, ham sandwiches and milk. They looked at him when he entered the room. "And this is my sister, wife and niece having a delightful meal," he said. "Uncle Alan, what are you doing?" Jenny said. "Filming a documentary about my life onboard the TARDIS." "In other words, Jen, he's incredibly bored and we have to suffer now because of it," Rose muttered to her. Alan walked over to her. "This is the love of my life, my beautiful wife, Rose," he said. He zoomed in to her left eye. "This is my beautiful wife's left eye," he said. He zoomed out and zoomed in to her right eye. "And this is my beautiful wife's right eye," he said. He zoomed back out. Rose held up her fist. "And this is your beautiful wife's fist that will be blackening up both your eyes if ya don't quit," she said while Donna and Jenny laughed. "Isn't she magnificent? So well mannered, demure and timid. It's all those years of finishing school she went through," Alan said. Rose shook her head and looked at the others. "You really wanted to marry him, huh?" Donna said. "Yes, I thought at the time it was a good idea, but now…" "But as timid and shy as my little wife is, there's one who is even more timid and that's this one," he said, zooming in on Donna. "This little flower will faint away at the sight of danger. That's why we need to have a special smelling salts room on board the TARDIS just for her use." "You're gonna think smellin' salt when I knock your block off, Sunshine!" "Yup, my two innocent, quiet, timid, shy family members. And here is the other one who is also timid and shy." "Yeah, Uncle Alan, I'm really timid and shy," Jenny said while they laughed. "But I'm lying. Little Jenny and I share something in common, we come from the Doctor's hands and we were both born in the heat of battle. Isn't that brilliant?" The three women looked at each other. The Doctor zoomed in on Donna. "And this woman right here is responsible for my birth. She is the Doctor Frankenstein who gave birth to this marvelous creation you see before you." "And doesn't that just thrill ya, Donna?" Rose said to her. "Oh, every bloody minute of every day!" Donna said, rolling her eyes. "If I learned one thing from it all, it's don't touch glowing jars with body parts in em, EVER!" "You know, Alan, we were having lunch before you decided to be Steven Spielberg," Rose said to him. "Why don't you go find other family members and film them now so we can go back to eating that lunch, yeah?" "I found two others, Awinita and Mingxia; they chased me out of the living room." "Smart women," Donna muttered to Rose. Alan zoomed in on Donna's hair. "Oh yes and these lovely locks are mine by default. Someday soon I will take a pair of scissors and finally claim them for my own." "You do, Buckaroo, and I'll take the scissors and ram them through your eyes and then you'll have to use Rory and Blizzard as your guide dogs," Donna said. "Oh yes, where are Yippy and Yappy the wonder mutts?" "Why don't you do go and find them, dear, and let us eat?" Rose said while Donna and Jenny nodded. "You're kicking me out too?" Alan said mournfully. Rose sighed and stood up. She embraced him from behind and kissed him on the cheek. "You are my life," she said, getting on her tiptoes and whispering in his ear. She kissed him on the cheek and sat back down. "Wow, suddenly, it's gotten quite crowded in the front of me trousers," Alan said. "My wife just whispered in my ear and Wiener Schnitzel wants to come out to play. Amazing that my wife's voice has such a profound effect on the womb broom down there." "Will you go?" Donna said while they laughed. "I don't feel like vomiting my ham sandwich all over my hands listening to you go on and on about your sodding womb broom." "If I must. Until we meet again, a beintot!" "Thank God, he's leaving," Donna muttered as he started towards the door. Alan did a 180 and ran back to her. "So anyway, I present to you the saga of Donna Noble…" OUT!" Donna screamed while he ran out the door. The TARDIS rumbled out laughter and rearranged the corridors again. "And of course, my ship, for it is my ship now since I claimed the console in the name of me, is being helpful and leading me to more family members," he said, walking along. She led him to a door. He opened it and saw a winter scene. There was a foot of snow on the ground and a large frozen lake in front of them with pine trees scattered around it. Rory and Blizzard were playing in the snow and on the lake; the Doctor and Rain were dressed in Victorian winter clothes ice skating around and around. Rain had on a long black dress, black bonnet and pink shawl and muff. The Doctor had on a long black coat, black trousers and black top hat. While he filmed them, Alan noticed Rain was doing more falling than skating. He filmed her while she went down on her butt and the Doctor laughed while he skated back to her. "You know, my love, the object is to stay upright on your feet through this," he said, bending down with a twinkle in his eyes. "Well, I'm sorry, Thete, but there wasn't very many chances to ice skate in the middle of the Arizona desert," she said to him. She took her hand out of the big pink muff and he helped her to her feet. "Are you alright?" he said, looking her over. "Once my ass gets done hurting for the fiftieth time, yes," she said. The dogs finally noticed Alan and barked happily while they bounded through the snow towards him. The Doctor looked over at him, noticed the camera and pointed it out to Rain. Alan pointed his camera down at the dogs who were leaping and jumping up at him. "And this is Yippy and Yappy the wonder mutts!" he said, filming the overexcited dogs. "They're glad to see me obviously since they're bouncing up and down in the snow, barking themselves hoarse. Usually, I have a treat for them which may explain their current need to shred my trouser legs to bits but…" He jerked the camera up when he heard a high-pitched shrill whistle and saw the Doctor with his fingers in his mouth. He took them out and stood with Rain staring at him. "As much as I'm dreading the answer, what are you doing?" he asked. "I'm filming my own documentary about my life and family." Rain giggled when the Doctor rolled his eyes and looked at her. "Knew it was something daft like that," he said. "And this is my brother and his wife, looking splendid in their Victorian finery." "Hello," Rain said, waving. "No, Latara, are you mad, don't encourage him!" the Doctor said while she laughed. "My brother's wife is apparently trying to ice skate." "Yes, trying being the operative word here," Rain said, glancing at the Doctor. "You're getting better. When you started out you were falling down every minute, now it's every five," he said. "That's improvement." He laughed when Rain lightly punched him in the stomach. "He was teaching me how to ballroom dance," she said to the camera. "But ballroom dancing doesn't have any chance for life threatening injury attached to it so we moved in here instead." "I was wanting to ice skate with you. Can I ice skate with my wife?" the Doctor said to her. "Yeah but you've also been pointing and laughing whenever I fall." "Well…it's…amusing," the Doctor said. "And I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." "I'm not laughing when it happens." "You're not?" "No." "You're not laughing in my head?" "No." "Oh," he said, slapping the side of his skull repeatedly, "my Gallifreyan mental abilities must be wonky today, coulda sworn I was laughing with you. Ah well, anyway, that's what we're doing in here and…now I'm sure the dogs have scratched your legs all to bits." He aimed the camera down at them. "Sit!" he said to them. They sat down and panted while they stared up at him. He looked back up at the Doctor and Rain who had skated to the side and were stepping out onto the snow. "So how many people have you tormented with your academy award winning documentary so far?" "Oh, everyone," Alan said to him. "Oh, so we're the last, Latara. Which means the rest of the family probably needs sectioning now." "Donna does but…that's a given," Alan said. "Better not let Donna see this footage then," the Doctor said. "She'll be putting her fist in your face for that." "Trust me, I've already been threatened by her," Alan said. "the whole entire family is tense for some odd reason." "Maybe because you're walking around jamming your video camera in their faces?" the Doctor said while Rain giggled. Alan looked at Rain. He lowered the camera and held out his hand to her. She took her hand out of the muff and took it. "Ha! Once again, your significant other is mine!" he said to him. "See, you just can't hold on to her to save your life, can ya?" "Am I gonna have to duel ya again?" "Don't you dare!" Rain said while they snickered. "What's wrong, Te'lesu? Can't a man engage in a duel for your honor?" he said to her with a wicked grin. "You wanna get punched, you just keep on with your "duel"," Rain said. "You're the second woman that's threatened to punch me today." "Really, who was the first?" the Doctor asked. "My wife." "Oho, you musta really made her mad for her to threaten that. I'd quit while you were ahead, mate." "Well, I suppose I could film elsewhere," Alan said, sniffing. "Perhaps I could go back to my console room and film my ship." "Your ship?" the Doctor said. "Yes, my ship. I went to the console room to film you. You weren't there so I claimed your time ship for my own. This Type 40 belongs to me now." "Oh, you wanna bet, you ship stealer?" the Doctor said. "Yes, I own it now. I own your wife. I own the dogs at my feet. I own everything!" The Doctor looked at Rain who was smiling at him. "And this is alright with you? I don't see you putting up much of a fight seeing as how he's claimin' ya and all," he said to her. "Oh! Um…help." She and Alan laughed while the Doctor raised his eyebrow. "Yeah, I can practically reach out and touch the terror," he said to her. "Um, help me, my darling. I'm being taken away from you forever. Oh, whatever shall I do? Woe is me." Alan laughed harder when the Doctor gave her an odd look. "I have never in my 1200 years of life heard a cry for help as pathetic as that," he said to her. "I'll be sure to save you once I wake up from that monotone delivery of yours." Alan pulled her close with one arm and grinned at her while he filmed her. "You aren't resisting because you'd rather be with your brother than your husband. I've always known that but now I have concrete proof captured forever. I knew in time you would tire of your boy toy and come back." "Mmm, well, she may have tired of her "boy toy" as you put it but I haven't tired of her, so I'll be taking her off your hands now, if you don't mind." "Not a chance, Rain wants to be with me." The Doctor looked at her while she giggled. "Help, my husband," she said in a monotone voice, "light of my life, save me from this monster. Oh please save me." Alan bent over laughing while he shook his head. "I'm so glad you don't do this when I really do have to save you," he said. "I think I'd die of boredom before I plucked you from the peril." "I'm sorry, my ass is hurting too much right now for me to sound convincing." "Hear that, Brother?" the Doctor said. "Get down on your knees tonight and pray that the next time she does need our help her ass isn't hurting at the time." "I won't need help. I'll have my brother and husband protecting me every step of the way." "You better believe it!" Alan said, holding her closer. "We won't let a single solitary thing hurt that bonnet covered head of yours. He stared at the black bonnet framing her head. "This is gorgeous on ya, by the way," he said, looking at the black dress, pink shawl and muff. "Whatever possessed you two to get dressed up like this?" "Oh, he thought it'd be cute," Rain said, glancing at him. "Kinda like that whole Currier and Ives thing, you know." "Except when Currier and Ives painted their scenes, the people weren't on their bums every ten seconds," the Doctor said to her. "Well, give her time, soon she'll be skating like Torvill or Dean or both," Alan said. "Or I'll fall on the ice and break every bone in my body, whichever comes first," Rain muttered. The Doctor grinned and kissed her cheek. "Well, why don't we get out of here rather than stand here in the snow and freeze," the Doctor said. "I have to put some ice on my wife's rear end which doesn't sound quite that bad, come to think of it. I'm sure some time in bed with me and she'll forget all about her ass." They walked with the dogs towards the door. "Yes," Rain said, "I'm sure a little time in bed with you will make me forget all about my hurting fanny." "Oh, trust me, Latara, you won't be forgetting your fanny if I'm there. In fact, your fanny will be very much on both our minds." Alan aimed his video camera at him. "Yes," he narrated, "this is my brother making crude sexual puns. Behold the Oncoming Storm being a rude, crude, dirty old geezer!" "And this is my brother being an intrusive voyeur," the Doctor said to the camera. "But soon, he will have to voyeur somewhere else since I and my wife will be having a bit of fun in our bedroom…which will have the door sealed off so Mister Docudrama won't be barging in and narrating the action while he films our arses. No, Mister Cameraman will definitely not be in the bedroom with us." "Aw, come on, my documentary needs a bit of spice. Please? I'm your clone so I'm practically the same man!" "Ew," Rain said. "My thoughts exactly. You have your own wife; go film her in bed with ya." "What a splendiferous fabuloso idea!" Alan said with wide eyes as he opened the door and let them through. "Brother, you're a genius! And…they have to be done eating by now. Time for me to have a little snack of my own." They watched while he ran off down the hall with the dogs following along behind him. The Doctor looked at Rain. "Oh great. Rose is not gonna like that I gave him the idea for that," the Doctor said. "Dear, you better get ready because I have a feeling I'm about to change bodies very, very soon." Rain chuckled and gave him a kiss. He shut the door, took her hand and they walked off towards the wardrobe room.
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