SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
Chapter Fifty Three After getting everything in the car, they got inside. Rose got in the front while Alan and Awinita sat behind her. “Put in Alien Autopsy first!” Alan said. “Okay, just a minute, I’m trying to get the Onstar set up so we are able to drive to route 9 without getting lost.” She finally figured it out and sighed as she reached into one of the plastic bags for the DVD. “I can’t believe you guys got this,” she said, opening it up. “It looks funny,” Alan said. “Oh yeah, it looks like a real knee slapper to me,” Rose replied. She put the DVD in the player and started the car while Alan and Awinita grabbed a couple of bottles of Coke and settled back to watch. “I’m Leonard Nemoy,” the voiceover said. “Tonight you are about to witness a strange and fascinating phenomenon. Several scientists are about to attempt the first ever alien autopsy.” Alan reached into a plastic bag and pulled out a bag of potato chips. “Crisps?” he said, offering the bag to Awinita. “Don’t mind if I do,” she said, reaching in. They ate and stared at the tiny screen while Rose drove the minivan. “These scientists are in a secret medical facility deep inside the mysterious Area 51,” Leonard Nemoy said. “And Area 51 happens to be in a studio somewhere in Hollywood,” Alan said. Awinita snickered and nodded. “The alien’s ship was shot down over the skies of New Mexico years ago and it crashed in the desert. The body was brought here with several other alien corpses and preserved for future study. Until now, an autopsy has not been preformed on any of them.” “But, because we happened to have all these cameras around, we decided to attempt it now for your viewing pleasure,” Alan said. “So, sit back, relax and for the next hour and a half be amazed as you watch Alien Autopsy.” “Oooo-ee-oooooo!” Awinita said. Rose shook her head when both of them giggled hysterically. “And now, we see the alien.” “And what does the alien look like?” Rose said. Alan snorted. “Like the stereotypical Andromedan alien.” He looked at Awinita. “Now this is definitely fake because as I was telling Rose on a true Andromedan the white skin is their spacesuit and the huge head is their helmet. Underneath all that, they look like humans except for huge noses. That’s what people have seen when they see this alien. No one’s ever gotten an actual look at an Andromedan because they can’t breathe Earth’s atmosphere very well and the fact that they are cutting right into the belly proves this is fake. If this were real, they would have removed the space suit.” “And now you can see the alien’s insides. Notice the purple color of the intestines.” “Andromedans don’t have purple intestines,” Alan said smugly. “Notice that they also have a second stomach.” “No, they don’t. Boo, I want my money back! This is a rip off!” Alan yelled. They both giggled while Rose shook her head. “And now if we remove the intestines, we see a small black organ that is unidentifiable.” “Watch out, it’s gonna explode!” Alan said as Awinita bent over laughing. “Don’t mess with small black organs ever! They are ticking time bombs!” “So…” Awinita said. “Is this what we’ll find if we opened you up?” “Who me? Nah, I’m human right down to the singular heart. No purple intestines and black organ thingies in me.” “How do you know?” Alan stared at her. “Are you itching for a vivisection or something?” Awinita frowned. “What’s that?” “Vivisection is what they’re doing. Dissecting someone or something.” “Oh! Sorry, never heard the term before. Yeah, I want to do a vivisection on you and see if you have purple guts.” “Roooooooose! Awinitia wants to dissect me!” Alan whined as she laughed. “Make her stop!” “Awinita, stop scaring Alan with talk of vivisection,” Rose said, looking in the rearview mirror. “But, moooooom, I wanna cut him open!” Awinita whined. Alan grinned. He licked his finger and touched her cheek. “Hey, quit touching me with your wet finger!” “I wasn’t! Honestly!” Awinita lightly kicked him in the shin. “Hey, quit kicking me!” he said. “Muuuuuuuum, Awinita’s kicking me now! Make her stoooooooooop!” “Oh, Jesus,” Rose said as they laughed. “Mooooooooom, Alan won’t stop touching me!” “Muuuuuuuuum, Awinita’s making faces!” “Mooooooooom. Alan is pinching me!” “Muuuuuuuuuum, Awinita’s putting boogers in my hair.” “Alright, you two, behave or we’re turning this car around and going back to….um…England!” Rose said as they snickered. “Alan, keep your hands to yourself. Awinita, quit threatening to open Alan up and spill his guts out! Don’t make me come back there!” Alan and Awinita glanced at each other. Alan quickly whispered in her ear and they both nodded. “3…2…1!” Alan murmured. They took a deep breath and said in unison… “ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?” “This is gonna be a hell of a long drive, I can already tell that,” Rose said. “Mooom, I gotta go pee pee,” Awinita said. “Yeah, I gotta go to the toilet. Can we stop at McDonalds?” Alan said in a little kid voice. “I want a kid’s meal.” “Um…weren’t you two watching the movie?” Rose said. “Movie’s boooooooring,” Alan whined. “My legs hurt and I gotta go poopies! I’m bored! Can we go to the bug museum? I wanna go see the buggies.” “Yeah, me too,” Awinita said in a little kid voice. “Buggies cooooooool!” They chanted “Buggies” in unison giggling at Rose’s exasperation. “Are we nearing the point of being ejected from the vehicle?” Alan asked. “Yes!” “Okay, we’ll stop then…at least for awhile,” Alan replied. “Thank God,” Rose muttered. Alan glanced up the screen and noticed that they were now examining the alien’s brain. “Um…gee, I guess we missed a lot,” he said. “Wanna watch something else and save this for later?” “Sure.” He reached into the bag and pulled out the box set. He hesitated a moment and looked at Awinita. “You don’t wanna watch ‘Beaches’, do ya?” “No thanks.” “Good.” He tore off the plastic around the box set and opened it up. “What do you wanna see?” he asked her. Awinita leaned in and they studied the discs. “”House on Haunted Hill with Vincent Price?” she asked. “Nah, doesn’t sound good to me right now. Ooo, how about Captives of the Planet Zarthrax, sounds interesting.” “Okay, let’s watch that one.” Alan took the disc and leaned up towards Rose. “Cinema lady, if you would be so kind…” he said, handing it to her. She switched the discs and gave the ‘Alien Autopsy’ one back to Alan. He put it back in the case as she pushed the play button. “Space,” the voiceover said. “The last unexplored region for mankind.” “These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise…oh, sorry, wrong movie,” Alan said as Awinita snickered. “We have come on a seven year mission to explore this strange and forbidden realm. I am Commander Roger Scott and this is my crew, Lieutenant Jake Warren, Captain Peter Lukin and Betty Marvolo.” “Wait, why doesn’t the woman have a rank?” Alan asked. Awinita snorted. “Because it’s the ‘50’s,” she said, rolling her eyes. “We brave adventurers are dedicated to mapping the final frontier and exploring strange new worlds.” Alan raised his eyebrow. “Blimey, this is ‘Star Trek’,” he said. “A poor man’s ‘Star Trek’, mind, but ‘Star Trek’ nonetheless.” “What will we find out there?” “Hopefully a clothing shop so you can get some kit on that half naked female colleague of yours,” Alan said as Awinita roared with laughter. “Oh God, is the woman in a skimpy bikini or something?” Rose said. “Um, just about…” Awinita replied. “And yes, the men are all fully clothed.” “Well, of course they are,” Rose said, rolling her eyes. “Finally, after months of drifting in space, we come upon a strange new planet,” the voiceover continued. “But, unfortunately, when we landed we found that the Doctor beat us to it,” Alan said as Rose laughed. “Yeah,” Rose said. “And not only that, he managed to find the resident monster after only ten seconds.” “No, that’s you, dear,” Alan said. “You’re the monster detector.” “Okay, everyone,” Roger said. “We’ve landed safely, now let’s suit up and explore this strange new world.” “As if anyone would talk like that,” Awinita muttered. Alan smiled. “Yeah, if this were the Doctor, he’d be saying, “Out of my way, I need to get out and cause trouble!” He grinned when Rose laughed at that. “No!” Betty screamed as the rubbery bug-like alien advanced on her. “Stay away from me!” Several feet away, a purple faced man in a long Chinese robe laughed hysterically. “You cannot escape my alien servant, my dear. Soon you will be the slave of Zorgon!” “No, no, a thousand times no!” Betty said melodramatically. Alan looked at Rose. “Hey, you’ve never said that before, Rose.” “Never said what?” “No, no, a thousand times no.” Rose snorted. “And you won’t ever hear me say it, trust me.” “Ah, come on, just once when we get into danger, say it for me?” Rose glanced back at him. “No, no, a thousand bloody times no!” she said emphatically as Awinita laughed. “I didn’t mean now, I meant when we’re fighting for our lives.” “Sorry, I don’t do cheesy melodrama,” Rose replied. “Oh really? I beg to differ.” Rose glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “Okay, when have I ever sounded like that?” she said. “I want you safe, my Doctor, protected from the false god,” he said in a falsetto voice. Rose frowned. “I don’t actually remember saying that,” she said. “Yup, you said it or rather the Bad Wolf did.” “Well, that’s the Bad Wolf then, not me.” “No, that was you. You were still in there somewhere.” “So, what’s so cheesy about that? I wasn’t gripping the Doctor and putting the back of my hand against my forehead when I said it.” “How do you know?” “Because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t do anything like that even if I was possessed,” Rose said. “What’s this Bad Wolf thing?” Awinita said as they watched. “Rose got possessed?” “Yeah, I’ll explain after the movie,” he said, reaching for the bag of potato chips. “It’s a long explanation and I need to relax before I tell you.”
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