THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Nineteen Very slowly, Rose opened the door and peeked inside. She saw an empty stone courtyard in front of her with a waist high stone wall on the other side of it. Very slowly, she stepped inside and looked around. She noticed a castle beside the courtyard. One of the stereotypical stone castles with the moat, turrets and drawbridge. “Might as well get this over with,” Rose muttered as she closed the door. “Right, Snow White, so the evil queen should be around here some…” “MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL!” she heard someone shrieking up above her. “Who’s the fairest of them all,” Rose repeated along with the voice as she headed off to the right where a small stone well sat. the wall was made of circular stone with a wooden roof on wooden beams over the well. “NO, I CAN’T BE SECOND BEST!” Rose rolled her eyes as she walked over to the well and looked inside it. “Water, water in the well, save me from this horrible hell,” Rose chanted as she stared at her reflection. As she looked in, she sighed when she saw a Doctor bot lean over and stare into the well with her. Rose said nothing to him, just continued to stare while she waited for the huntsman to come up to her or for something else to happen. “Beg pardon,” the Doctor bot finally said after five minutes of silence. Rose looked at him. “Yeah?” she said. The Doctor bot leaned back up. He was wearing a gold doublet and tights with golden trim and a gargantuan golden codpiece with ribbons and lace on it and a small sign that said Best in Show positioned directly in the middle of it. Rose rolled her eyes at that. “Good day, M’lady, I am Prince Orange Squash Biffybottoms the Twenty Third,” he said with a bow. “And you are?” “Thoroughly bored and fed up.” “I’m sorry?” “I’m…Snow…Rose White,” Rose said. “I see, are you the mistress of this castle?” “No, my stepmother is,” Rose said. “I see. Listen, I’m sorry to trouble you but I was riding along on my horse, Snoggy, when I happened to see you bent over by this stone structure and I thought to myself, she must be vomiting in the well, I must help her. I double parked my steed, came over here and you weren’t vomiting. So…what were you doing?” “I was using the wishing well to wish I could get the hell outta here.” “Oh! I see, it’s one of those pagan, burn at the stake, ass backwards type of superstitious rituals you peasants engage in that I just love to watch and laugh at. I see. Well, I expect you’ll want to bleed yourself dry and set your bodily humors in order so I’ll be on my way back to the land of reason and good judgment while you drain a few pints from your person and pretend it’s doing you some good. Toodles.” “Yeah, bye,” Rose muttered as he turned and sauntered away. She sighed as she turned around and gasped when she saw Jack bot directly behind her. He was wearing a green doublet and trousers and a green Robin Hood hat with red feather. Across his shoulders was a long brown cape and around his waist was a dagger in a sheaf and several big pouches that were tied to it. “Good day, Lady White, I am Franco, the royal huntsman.” Rose noticed he was stuffing something down the back of his trousers. Something that looked an awful lot like a small golden casket. She eyed him. “Gee, Franco, what’s that you’re putting down your pants?” she said. “It’s my hand,” Franco said, showing it to her. “I like to scratch my ass and search for brown gold.” Rose made a face and shook her head. “Doctor, were you half insane when you programmed these robots of yours?” she muttered. “I’m sorry?” Franco said. “Nothing, what do you want?” Rose said quickly. “Your stepmother suggested a constitutional and as I have nothing to do today, I am to escort you into the woods so you can get some fresh air.” “I’m outside,” Rose said to him. “Yes, but the woods has fresher air,” Franco said. “It’s a scientific fact.” “Yeah, whatever, let’s go,” Rose said, walking away. As she headed towards the woods, she looked over her shoulder and happened to see her mother standing in the window of one of the turrets glaring down at her. “Shoulda known, oh, Doctor, you are gonna get it when I get outta here,” Rose muttered to herself. She stomped towards the forest, angry beyond belief and wanting nothing more than to get back to the actual Doctor so she could demand an explanation from him. She was so angry that it took her awhile to hear a slight “scritch, scritch, scritch” coming from behind her. She looked around and raised her eyebrow when she noticed the Jack bot was walking behind her while he sharpened his dagger on a large whetstone. He noticed her looking at him and coughed nervously. “Um, this is something I do to relieve stress. Kinda like those worry beads some people play with. Don’t mind me.” “Yeah, right,” Rose said, turning her head back around. Ignoring the scritch, scritch, scritch behind her, they moved on into the forest down a well defined, well lighted dirt path. Rose noticed a sign up ahead on her left side and when she got to it noticed that it said… SCENIC ROUTE. A big black arrow above it led off the path deep into the deep, dense forest. Jack grabbed her arm. “Let’s take the scenic route,” he said to her. Rose rolled her eyes, turned and walked off the path while Jack resumed his scritch, scritch, scritch. To her amazement, Jack began to sing while they walked along. “OOOOOOOOH, I’m a big studly man, yes I am. I hunt me deer and bear. I love to hunt and hunt and hunt and kill without even a caaaare! Boom chica boom chica boom boom ba doom.” Rose glanced over her shoulder and gave him an odd look. Jack shrugged. “Just trying to keep the mood light,” he said to her as he continued to sharpen his knife. Rose couldn’t help but ask the obvious question as she stared at the long dagger going across the grey whetstone. “You gonna use that while you’re in here?” For a moment, she saw a deer caught in the headlights look on Jack’s face and then he adopted a nonchalant air. “Oh, I might go…hunting,” he said. “After all, I’m sure you wanna go do girl things and I can’t leave an innocent waif like you in the woods all alone. Might meet Satan and get tempted into become a witch and then you might end up going naked and casting evil spells. Which means we’d have to burn you at the stake and that means more work for me. So how’s about I hunt while you…sit and…be a girl?” “Yeah, I’ll do that…Franco,” Rose said dryly. “And I promise I won’t meet Satan and become a witch.” “Good lass!” Jack said. “Don’t make waves, that’s my advice for girls. Just marry a man and be a housewench and get beaten from sunup to sundown and bear heaps of children, half of which will probably die before they’re five and the other half will die from the plague or overwork, but all the same, open up that vagina and let those kids pop out of it.” Rose shook her head and muttered to herself, questioning the Doctor’s level of sanity while she listened to the scritch, scritch, scritch. Suddenly she gasped when Jack seized her arm. “Do you know where we are?” he said dramatically. “Um, the Twilight Zone?” Rose said just as dramatically. “Heh, you’re funny. No, we’re in the deepest part of the forest and that means wild animals are roaming about, ready to eat the unwary.” “Oooo, lucky I got me huntsmen here to kill em,” Rose said sarcastically. “Yes, I’m a macho piece of manmeat.” Rose rolled her eyes. But she figured it was best to play along and at least enjoy herself until she got out of the scenario. “So…what sorts of animals are in this forest?” she asked politely. “Oh, ferocious ones. Lions and tigers and bears mostly.” Rose groaned quietly. “Oh my?” she said to Jack. “I’m sorry?” “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my?” she said as she started to skip. She skipped a few feet and then looked at Jack. “Come on, Franco. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my,” she said as she skipped a few more feet. Jack shrugged as she held out her hand. He put his dagger in his sheaf and put the whetstone in his pouch before taking her hand. “Now, say it with me,” Rose said as they began to walk very slowly. “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.” Jack nodded and said it with her as they slowly began to go from walking to running to skipping. “Lions…and tigers…and bears, oh my,” they chanted. “Lions…and tigers…and bears, oh my. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” By now they were skipping through the undergrowth chanting their mantra. Suddenly they heard a roar when they entered a clearing and Rose gasped when a Doctor bot dressed in a mangy, manky lion’s costume leaped off a rock in front of them. He began to laugh when he saw the shocked looks on their faces. “Oh blimey, you should see yourselves. I betcha wet yourself the moment I did that,” he said between fits of laughter. “Oooh, that made my whole day right there.” “Who are you then? The cowardly lion?” Rose asked him. “Me? Lord no, I’m not cowardly. I’m a strong, virile lion! Manly through and through. I’ve seen the movie though and recognized the chant and thought it’d be great fun to take the mickey out of ya both since I am a lion. Roar and all that.” “Yeah,” Rose muttered. Rose stared at the lion. The Doctor bot had a huge mane around his face that made him look ridiculous. Especially since the end of his tousle was sticking out from under it. In spite of herself, she began to giggle. “Oi, what’s your problem?” the Doctor bot said angrily. “I’m sorry but you look naff like that,” Rose said laughing. “I do not. I’m a regal lion, see?” he said, raising his chin. Rose laughed and went around back to play with his tail. “OI! QUIT PLAYING WITH ME TAIL!” the Doctor bot said, snatching it from her. “Right, you two, on your bike if you’re gonna mock me.” “Fine!” Rose said, shrugging. “Come along, Franco.” “I could take ya, you know, I just choose not to because I’m keeping an eye on the waif, lest she turn to the magical arts and damn her soul to hellfire,” Jack said as he went past her. “Yeah, right, Robin Hood, go keep an eye on Maid Marian before I turn ya into lion shite,” the Doctor bot muttered. “And don’t you dare mock me again or I’ll go get my cousin Aslan to come sort you out!” “Yeah, yeah,” Rose said as they headed into the forest. “Don’t yeah, yeah me, you peroxide wearin’ chav!” the Doctor bot yelled at her. “I’d eat you as well except the cheap hair dye would make me have indigestion and diarrhea!” Rose and Jack ignored him as they walked further into the woods. The Doctor bot sighed. “Well, that was the highlight of my day, I s’pose now it’s time to walk over to MGM and earn my paycheck,” he said, walking off into the woods.
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