DYING FEAR
Alone again, the mansion was empty when he got back. The quiet isolation allowed Lestat to let his mind wander. Not surprisingly he only had one thing on his mind, Jesse.
Shortly there after, a few blocks away, Jesse let herself into her hotel room. The last few days she’d rarely thought of anything other then Lestat. And tonight was, of course, no exception. And tonight she heard her own voice telling an empty room her thoughts.
“God, his body was so cold against mine.” “But at the same time he sent trails of fire over my skin wherever he touched me.” “When I felt his touch, the fear of him just died away.”
“But then, in the park, I wanted nothing more then to turn and run.” “He took pleasure in showing me what I knew he could be.” “He could be a vicious killer.”
Her tears hit the end of her face and slid down past the spot on her breast where she’d dug the pin into her flesh.
“But he can also be tender.”
“He can hold someone the same as anyone else.”
“Tonight he held me.”
She didn’t want to let go of that memory. And she didn’t as she fell into sleep with one thing still on her mind.
Lestat had heard everything from the hotel room’s window. He’d left the mansion shortly after he had arrived, in search of the beautiful woman who hadn’t left his thoughts since she’d shown up earlier that night. And he’d been content to watch her tell herself what she was thinking.
Lestat knew the effect his touch had on a woman all too well. But that had always been to feed. This was different. She was right. He had held her. He’d enjoyed watching her uneasiness turn to pleasure. Knowing that that was the effect his hands would have. Even more so he’d enjoyed touching her. He felt her reach and long for the feeling of him. And he was more then obliged to satisfy her unspoken request. Just the same as he felt her need for him right now.
Jesse knew she was asleep. If she wasn’t she was in a very realistic dream. Her senses soared and she felt everything around her. She felt a light breeze tickle her face. Then it was gone. But the cold it had brought was still there. First at her face then it started to travel down her neck. She shivered. Had she kicked her blanket off? As she was pondering whether or not there still existed a blanket on her bed, she felt a shift of weight. The right side of her bed weighted down and she felt a shadow pass over her face. Like someone was leaning over her. Absent mindedly, she said
“Give me a few more minutes David, I’m just taking a pre- meeting nap.”
Hearing what she was saying, she came to her senses, and jetted first her head up from her pillow, then her upper body. Fully sitting up she scanned her room. There was nothing. What the heck had just happened? She turned the question around in her mind as she slid from under the blanket and stood beside her bed. She dully noted that she had in fact been under the blanket.
“What happened?” She asked again, seemingly to an empty room. She didn’t get an answer, but she hadn’t expected to. Then she got another idea. “Lestat, are you here?”
Still scanning her room she slowly slid back under her blanket, and into her bed. More then a little disappointed, she leaned back. But she didn’t feel the hard headboard that should have been there. Instead she felt something soft. Something that she knew was familiar. Something she’d wanted to feel earlier that night.
He brought his hands around in front of her, and let his right hand rest across her waist. While the left hand came up to the right side of her face. He rubbed her check for a brief moment, and then tilted her head back to completely rest on his shoulder.
Jesse felt his hands at her waist and face, and that familiar fire began to brew. Once she was completely rested against him she, in return, brought her arm up to encircle around his neck. She relished in that moment to have the chance to run her fingers through his hair.
Lestat felt the pulse from her wrist on the back of his neck as she ran her fingers through his hair. He’d never let anyone do that before, and he was delighted to find that it wasn’t all that bad. Not only was she stroking his hair, but at the same time she’d rotated her neck to give him complete access.
Jesse felt Lestat lean down and place a feather-light kiss on the bridge of the right side of her neck. She stopped stroking his hair and gripped the back of his neck, silently urging him to kiss her. She felt him smile against her neck and found herself wishing she could see that smile. She tried to turn but was slightly restricted by Lestat’s arms.
“I can’t see you,” she said.
She felt him hesitate for a moment then, he loosened his arms only enough to let her twist in his embrace.
She brought her eyes up to his. He could look straight at her and look through to exactly what she’s feeling. What she wants. This moment reminded her of another moment. It was so much like the one right after they landed. She could remember looking down at Lestat after he threw her into the air. She could remember him catching her and in the process almost being right up against him. But most of all she remembered the look he gave her. Those long moments where they’d just looked at each other. She could have sworn he was going to kiss her. Instead he looked down at her lips once, twice, and then he pulled away, breaking their eye contact. When he did that she wasn’t sure that he had wanted to kiss her at all. She’d thought that she’d just imagined it.
Looking at him now, she knew that she hadn’t imagined it. He did want to kiss her.
Lestat had wanted to see her face, to see the desire in her eyes. Now he could. She didn’t fear him anymore. Now she desired him. He himself was no stranger to the feeling. He wanted her to. He wanted to feel her skin against his. He wanted to feel her touch him, but he also longed to sink his teeth into that same skin he longed to caress. And most of all he wanted to kiss her.
Jesse took a chance, and lifted her hand to his face. She looked at him and said,” Lestat, just because I don’t want”…, she let the words hang in the air, “doesn’t mean I don’t want you.” She felt his jaw line, traced the outside of his mouth, and ran her fingers over the top of his forehead. Lestat couldn’t help it, he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Jesse was mere inches away from his face.
She rested her face against his, and they were both all but kissing each other. She tried to kiss him, but he turned away at the last minute.
His arms where no longer around her and it was easy for her to pull away. She didn’t get very far before he grabbed her. She knew he wanted her to look at him, but she avoided his eyes. She kept her head down as she asked” Why don’t you want me?”
Lestat made her look straight into his eyes. He said” I do. I want you so bad right now that if I could, I’d take you and stay lost in you for all eternity.”
He didn’t let go of her face, so she couldn’t turn her head. Instead he just looked at her, and she had no other choice but to look at him. She couldn’t deny that he wanted her, he did. He was looking at her with so much passion and desire that she could have sworn that he was going to die from wanting. That is if he could die.
He still hadn’t let go of her face and she was wondering how long they were going to stay like this. Without warning he brought his mouth down on hers and kissed her in a way that she’d never been kissed before. He literally was taking the breath right out of her. So much so that she whimpered into his mouth.
His lips were tender and cold, but as he kissed her she felt them warm up from the heat of her mouth. It wasn’t like kissing a vampire. Sure she felt his fangs, but it felt good. He’d tease her mouth with the point of his teeth and then replace it with the smoothness of his tongue. He stopped kissing her for a brief moment to let her catch her breath, and then he claimed her mouth once again. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Some how she couldn’t get close enough to him. It was torture. The fact that Lestat had moved his attention from her mouth to the top of her neck didn’t help. His kisses weren’t feather-like anymore. They were hungry. He was taking mouthfuls of her skin the same way that most people take the first bite of ice cream.
Lestat heard and felt her pulse quicken under his lips. It was like a drum beating at his mind. Usually, at this point he would have acted. Draining his victim of their life, by taking what he wanted. Her neck was right there. So inviting…
Jesse suddenly heard a low growl vibrate at the base of her throat. And before she knew it Lestat had flung himself away from her and off the other side of the bed.
“Lestat?” she asked. “What’s wrong?” He didn’t look at her. But from her vantage point she could see his hands. He had dug his fingernails into his palms and blood was flowing freely all around them. He had a look of agony on his face. “Lestat?” she asked again. He didn’t answer.
Throwing a million different outcomes around in her head she came to a decision. Sliding off the bed on the opposite side, she came around to stand in front of Lestat. He’d stopped digging his nails into his hands, but the look was still there. An expression that in a second told Jesse what had just almost happened.
He had been going to feed on her. The reality hit her square in the gut and caused her to stagger backwards and drop to the floor. A few hours ago she’d freely offered him her blood. She’d wanted to be with him. She’d wanted to know everything. But she didn’t know everything. She barely knew anything at all. Sure she’d read the books, done the research, and taken a few pictures. But to live it she realized was something beyond studying. It had to be experienced. To a human blood was just blood, a collection of cells that had a funny taste. But to a vampire it was life.
Pulling herself away from her thoughts, she looked over to see the same face from before still set in stone. For the third time she asked “Lestat?” And for the third time nothing.
Lestat knew what had almost happened. Never before had he denied himself something that he wanted. Tonight was a first. Looking up, he saw Jesse rise from her seated position on the floor and walk towards him.
Jesse had no idea what she was doing. She just simply didn’t want that look on Lestat’s face for a moment longer. But he wasn’t answering her and she didn’t know what to do.
Lestat had been in another place and time. He’d been trying to make sense of things again when he felt something on his hand. Looking up he realized that it was Jesse’s hand in his that had brought him back. His eyes stayed locked with hers for a moment then he turned his attention to his hand. Her skin was so soft. She was stroking his entire palm. But more so, the places were he’d dug his fingernails in.
Jesse saw Lestat shut his eyes. The fact that he was enjoying her touch made her smile. And she accepted the invitation to keep on touching him, happily. All she was doing was just simply stroking his hand, up and down, gliding her fingers through his. For some reason she couldn’t explain her need to take his pain away. So, she brought his hand up to her mouth and placed a chaste kiss in the middle of his palm.
Lestat swallowed when he felt her lips on his palm. He heard her name escape from his mouth to come out as a very content sigh.
Jesse looked up from his palm and said, “Lestat, look at me.” She didn’t have to ask him that three times. He looked up at her immediately. Taking his face in her hands she said,” You won’t hurt me.” She saw him start to say something, but before he could she cut him off. Putting her finger to his lips, she said again,” You won’t hurt me.” Then she went on to say, “Do you remember when you asked me if I trust you?” He didn’t have to answer her. All she needed was to look in his eyes, and she knew he did. “I told you that I do, and that hasn’t changed.” After she’d gotten the last word out, with his face still being cradled by her hands, she softly kissed him.
At first he didn’t respond. But slowly he started to kiss her back, gently at first, then with growing passion. Her hands found their way to the collar of his coat, and at first she just ran her fingers along the top. As his mouth grew more and more demanding her motions changed, from stroking the top to griping the sides to bring him closer to her.
He’d let himself get lost in kissing her. Her mouth was so soft, and it brought heat to his cold lips. But not only to his lips, but wherever she touched seem to take on the same temperature. Soon he felt that familiar hunger return. He had after all only killed one woman tonight and hadn’t even gotten his fill of her. But feeding on Jesse was out of the question, and he really didn’t want to leave, so they were going to have to take it easy. That, he realized, was easier said then done. Just as his mouth was being demanding so were her hands. She’d apparently gotten tired of stroking his collar and was now trying to remove his coat all together. He pulled his mouth away from hers .He stilled her hands and said,” Slow.” She seemed to instantly understand what and why he was saying what he said and stilled her movements.
Then she slowly proceeded to remove his coat. By slipping her hands into the top of his collar, and then sliding the flap down his shoulders .Until it pooled around his waist .Now she could properly look at him. He was kneeling on the floor, she’d shed his coat so that only his shirt remained and he was still bathed in shadows. His piercing eyes seemed to glow in the darkness. He was staring back at her, watching her appraise his chest with her eyes. Lestat didn’t mind at all. After all, he’d grown accustomed to that kind of attention.
Jesse moved her hands around his shoulders to the base of his neck, in his silky hair, and then down his back. Lestat brought his arms up around to the center of her back. He stroked her shoulder blades for a moment and then he drew a vertical line with his fingers from the center of her back to both her shoulders on the opposite sides. His hands now at her shoulders, they continued their journey down her upper arms to her elbows. He reached around his own back and took both of her hands in his own. Her hands still intertwined with his, he brought them up to his mouth. Mimicking her earlier movements, he placed a soft kiss on each.
Jesse closed her eyes when he kissed her hands, but when she opened them she found him looking at her. He lifted his mouth from her hands, and started to lean into kiss her. Jesse was more then ready for him to kiss her again. Instead she felt him kiss her hands one more time, and then he brought them up to encircle his neck. After that he wrapped his arms around her waist.
When he started to lean in towards her mouth once again she closed her eyes in anticipation. But again, he surprised her, instead of feeling soft lips on hers she felt his hold tighten around her waist. And with inhuman strength he lifted her up against him, and then shifted his weight so that she was now lying down.
Jesse hadn’t really known what to expect, Lestat had always kept her guessing as to what he was going to do. Except, this time she agreed with his actions. She was now lying on top of one of the softest surfaces she’d ever felt. Lestat’s coat encircled her body. For a moment she got lost in the feeling of it caressing her face. Absentmindedly, she started rubbing her lips up against the wonderful blanket.
She was lost in the feeling when she felt, Lestat’s finger on her lips, urging her attention back where it was due. He was knelling next to her, with his hand braced on the outside of her left hip. She noticed that the only part of him that was touching her was his finger. He was being careful not to put any of his weight on top of her.
She was contemplating why he would do that, when he wordlessly answered her. He started to drop his weight a little. He still wasn’t on top of her, but he was close enough to see her chest rise and fall from her harsh breathing. Without a word he finished leaning down and brushed his lips against the top of her mouth. And then just when he started to open it to allow her entry he pulled away. He was teasing her, toying with her desire, and he was enjoying every minute of it.
“You’re teasing me,” she said. His only response was a wicked smile that spread across his face. He reached for her hair tracing a strand all the way down to her shoulder. Slipping one of his fingers under her dress strap, he brought it down her shoulder. When it was hanging off to the side he abandoned it, and once again began to draw his finger down her arm. Starting where he left the strap and then continuing down to her palm. Taking her hand in his own, he began to stand up, bringing her with him.
Jesse was somewhat sad to leave behind the wonderful blanket, but somehow she doubted that the feeling would last. Truth be told, the softness in her hand rivaled the forgotten coat by far too much to dwell on it.
Lestat was leading her by the hand now. Jesse didn’t care. She would gladly follow him to the end of the heavens if that meant being with him. But he wasn’t asking that much of her. He dropped her hand and turned to walk to the foot of her bed. He motioned for her to come and stand beside him. She didn’t immediately move. Instead, she just looked at him. Their eyes met and, unaware of anything else in the world other then each other, they began to step forward in unison.
Jesse was reaching for Lestat even before her arms could have touched him. Lestat caught her when she fell into his arms and, he immediately started kissing her. He didn’t care to tease her any longer. The fact was that, in the process of torturing her he was doing the same to himself.
If Lestat could have had his breath taken away Jesse would have stolen it right out of his lungs. Kissing her was the closest he’d ever come to breathing as a vampire. Even though he knew it wasn’t possible for him to be breathing, he still felt like there was something being drawn out of him. “But she does need to breath” he reminded himself.
He pulled his mouth away from hers. She was breathing really hard and her face was flushed. When he felt that she caught her breath, he kissed her gently on the edge of her top lip. At the same time he entangled his strong slender fingers into her hair. Not tight or hard enough to cause her pain, but just enough so that to an onlooker it would be apparent that she was his. He used his fingers to wrap her hair up until his hold was right next to the back of her head. And again he took special care to make sure not to hurt her with his gestures.
He examined her face for a second, to make sure that there were no traces of pain across her features, and then he closed his fist over her hair. If that had hurt her she showed no outward sign that it had. Her eyes had not left his. He looked at her a moment longer, then he pulled her head toward his using her hair. In one quick instant his lips mashed up against hers. Her arms flew up around his neck. But before either of them had time to deepen the kiss he once again pulled away.
He leaned in to speak against her ear. “Close your eyes,” he said. She didn’t know what was going to happen next, or what he was going to do.
“Again?” she asked with a smirk on her face. Lestat just smiled and brought his hand up to brush her eyes and watched them close under his fingers. After they were closed his fingers continued their path down her eyelids. They reached her chin, where he continued down to her throat. He spread his hand out wide, reaching just above her chest line. He felt her heat beat against his hand. A slow rhythm that was so precious to him now. He silently thanked Marius for his words from the past.
Her hair was parted so that half of it was hanging over in front of her shoulders on either side. Lestat moved his hand up through her hair and moved the lose strands away from her neck. After her hair was out of the way his lips were immediately there, savoring the taste of her skin.
Jesse let her head drop entirely back. At this point she was completely vulnerable to Lestat.
Lestat knew he shouldn’t be doing this. She’d put herself completely in his hands by trusting him this way. But truth be told, he wasn’t sure if he trusted himself. He knew he should pull away, but her taste was so intoxicating that he just couldn’t manage to stop. Jesse was starting to sway now, so he brought his hands up around her.
Lestat was now her complete support. Had he let go of her Jesse knew she would have fallen.
Lestat was barley standing. So instead of falling to the floor with Jesse he leaned down to lay her on the bed. He held one of his arms out to stop them from hitting the mattress too hard. When his palm hit her blanket he kept his arm straight for a minute. Then he bent his elbow so that Jesse slowly came to rest beneath him. He let her lay there for a moment while he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it to the opposite wall. Then he was back with her.
Jesse gasped when she realized that Lestat had removed his shirt. His chest muscles tensed every time his jaw moved aggressively on her throat. And every time they did it reminded her that the only thing that was keeping her from being skin to skin with him was a thin layer of fabric. The thought was torture. And thinking it just made whatever he was doing to her neck that much unbelievable.
She was panting now and every time she did her breath made his hair stir. Just when she thought that her mouth couldn’t get any dryer he lifted his head from her throat. His hair was messy and matted to his face but to her he’d never looked more beautiful. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Nothing had happened. He’d been able to resist his hunger.
Seeing as though both of their lower bodies were hanging off the end of the bed he put his arms around Jesse’s waist and slid her up further on the bed with very little effort. He crawled up on the bed after her. Laying on his side, with his chin rested on his palm propped up by his elbow he looked so carefree. The entire gesture actually caused Jesse to giggle a bit. But it didn’t last long, because Lestat leaned down to give her a tender kiss.
She smiled into his lips. He leaned back and smiled at her as well. Then he turned over on his back and crossed his hands behind his head. He reached over and pulled Jesse to him. Jesse settled herself, lying on his chest, with one of her arms draped over his stomach. He settled himself with one hand behind his head and he laid the other over her shoulder.
Somewhere between Lestat rubbing her shoulder or her stroking his chest, Jesse managed to fall to sleep. When she woke up she found that Lestat was no longer lying next to her. She rolled over on her side to look at the clock. It was well past 5:00 p.m. She diverted her attention from the clock to find Lestat. He was sitting on the end of the bed, with his attention on the window. She could guess at what he was thinking. The sun would be coming over the horizon soon. “And that evening when it set again he may be dead soon after,” she thought.
Lestat knew the second Jesse had awakened. He turned to find a troubled expression on her face. It didn’t take much for him to know what she was thinking. “They don’t stand a chance,” he said. She just looked at him. He grabbed his shirt up off the ground and put it back on. Then he came to stand in front of her. He stood before her, and then he grabbed her hands and pulled her up into his arms. He held her for a long time then pulled away and held her at arms length.
Lestat looked at her. He was a mixture of emotions. He was sad, but resolved in his thinking. There was no future for them; it was time for them to part ways. “Good-bye, Jesse. This evening has meant something to me that I will never be able to express, nor forget.”
Jesse was crying now. She nodded, shaking away the tears that were freely falling down her face. “Lestat I…” she started to say.
She didn’t even get to finish her sentence. He kissed her. But not like he ever had before. Instead of his kiss being passionate or aggressive it was neither. This kiss was a full all out desperate kiss. Like he was crying out the words he could never speak through this one moment. He pulled away, and for a moment it looked like he was crying too, but she realized that her tears had now transferred to his face. She reached up to wipe them away, and then tried to pull her hand back. But Lestat held it fast to his face, rubbing the end of her fingers with his lips.
“I know,” he said. He knew what she had been going to say. The words were frivolous, because the feelings were right there. She couldn’t admit her love now. She never could. That’s how it had to be, and he understood this. Now she had to make herself understand.
She let out a deep breath and then rested her head against his chest and brought her arms up to encircle his waist, hugging him to her. He kissed the top of her head. Letting his head stay bowed a moment longer then it had to to memorize her scent.
Jesse was breathing him in, desperately trying to imprint his feel, his smell, into her mind. Then he was gone. And she was holding nothing. No longer supported by anything, before she knew it, she found herself falling to the floor. When she’d been with Lestat the floor hadn’t been hard at all, but now it painfully collided with her palms. She knew she couldn’t stand up even if she tried, so she decided instead to just be content to sit there and weep. Maybe if she stayed there long enough she could cry all her feelings away into nothing but a cold solitary existence. Suddenly her tears weren’t the only cold thing on her face. She brought her hand up to her face and brushed her cheek. She saw in her mind an image of Lestat’s lips pressed to her face. Realizing what happened; she smiled and let her hand drop from her cheek onto the floor.
Her hand fell right on top of Lestat’s coat. She immediately grabbed it up and held it to her chest. She dropped her head back, and her body went with it, bringing her down further to the floor. Huddled in the middle of her room, she had the only semblance of her love in a death grip close to her heart.
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