Pairings: Gwen/Rhys and implied John/Jack

When Rhys got drunk he spreads a lot of exaggerated stories.

It was a flaw that Gwen could never solve or turn a blind eye to. It had often gotten Rhys into a lot of trouble and she was often bailing him out. One day however Rhys got so drunk he spun an exaggerated tale about Gwen.

"My girl, she's so amazing that she could turn straw into gold" he said loudly in a slurred voice. "We were in a barn for the night due to a camping trip gone bad and the next morning I woke up to a huge pile of gold"

The truth was they went camping, tent got nicked, spent a night in a barn and Gwen was really desperate for the loo. The story got passed along from one drunken man to another until Dr Owen Harper and Captain Jack Harkness heard about it.

"What do you think?" Jack asked his drinking buddy.

"I think it's a load of bullocks and it's your turn to buy a round of drinks" Owen said gulping the last of his beer.

"I meant about the girl"

"Is she hot?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Should we put her in custody and check her out in case she's an alien?" he said slowly as if he was talking to someone with special needs.

"Does it mean extra paperwork?"

"Yes"

"Bugger"

Gwen Cooper was just leaving work, her uniform in it's locker and her hair out of that awful ponytail she hated when a handsome man in a long blue coat came up to her.

"Hello gorgeous, my name is Captain Jack Harkness and can I say I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"

He seemed sincere though Gwen had no idea why. He also seemed sympathetic for some reason she really hoped this had nothing to do with Rhys...oh god what if Rhys died? Had an accident? Or got kidnapped? Lost in her thoughts she didn't realise there was someone behind her until she felt a hand go over her mouth. She screamed a muffled scream and kicked her captor but it was useless as she was bundled into a big black car with tinted windows.

They led her to secret underground base and shoved her in a cell with a big pile of straw. To her horror there was some sort of monster in the cell opposite her. She screamed and banged on the door for someone, anyone, to let her out.

A good looking man in a suit came with a tray of pizza, diet coke and garlic bread. "Your dinner Ma'am, I apologise for it not being much" he said politely.

"I don't give a damn about dinner I want to go home back to my boyfriend" Gwen snapped. "Please" she whispered pleadingly.

"We're only keeping you over night" the man reassured her. "To see if you can turn the straw into gold"

"What happens if I can't?" Gwen asked.

The man smiled mysteriously. "Can't tell you, staff policy"

Gwen felt ice growing in her stomach. They were going to kill her. After picking at her dinner, she curled up in the straw and sobbed. When she dies she will become a ghost she decided, that way she'll haunt Rhys and give him shit for making up such a story. Suddenly a man appeared in a flashy light; she sat up in shock and yelped.

"Hey good looking" the man said grinning down at her. He had curly hair, tanned skin and for some reason reminded her of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Don't tell Jack I'm here, I turned the CCTV off, shh"

"Who are you?" she whispered.

"Secret but you can call me Captain John Hart, everyone else does" he winked. "But with those eyes you could call me Vera and I wouldn't mind" she rolled her eyes. "What can I do for you sweet cheeks?"

"Well first you can stop calling me sweet cheeks, second you can get me out of here and third you can stop hitting on me" Gwen said huffily.

"Ooh feisty" John said grinning. "Hey freckles what's with all the straw?"

"They want me to turn it into gold...which I can't do! It was a stupid story my boyfriend made up and if I don't do it they'll kill me!"

John snorted. "Torchwood, bunch of idiots. Well don't worry darling I'll save you but at a price"

Gwen pulled out her purse and took out all the money she had in there. "Will this do?"

John took it. "Sweet, thanks darling you're a doll" he tucked the money down his pants and then used his strange black wristwatch to turn the straw into gold. "Later doll face"

He then vanished.

Instead of being able to go home like she thought Gwen was forced to sit there and be tested on by Owen Harper. She hated the man because she was sure the bastard was touching her breasts on purpose. She liked Tosh...sort of; the shy woman tested the gold and assured them it was real. Ianto Jones and Jack were all right if not slightly sadistic. She was once again locked in a cell with Janet the monster and another gigantic pile of straw.

And once again the CTV went off and John Hart sat there grinning. "Wanted to see you again doll face, have those monsters locked you in another room filled with straw?"

"They're all right but yeah" Gwen mumbled with a shrug.

"What can you give me?"

Gwen pulled off her locket that Rhys gave her last Christmas; John examined it and then grinned. "Deal"

The straw turned gold and he once again vanished. The team took her out, tested her, the gold, questioned her and then returned her with another large pile. She sighed heavily and she knew John was going to return however she had nothing worth giving him in return of his favour.

"How about your baby?" John asked. "I'm picturing a child of yours to be a pretty little thing. I do this for you and I get your first born"

Gwen had decided years ago she'll never have children and saw no problem in making this deal. "Ok"

To her shock, instead of letting her go forever or locking her up forever Gwen Cooper was hired as a new member of Torchwood. She rapidly became friends with the other members and the nasty incident was forgotten (though Rhys was still sleeping on the sofa to this day). Gwen finally married the man of her dreams despite his stupidity and the whole Torchwood Team sat in the bride section clapping them.

Then to Gwen's shock she was pregnant.

John never showed up so she dismissed it.

She gave birth to a boy, John never showed up so she dismissed it.

The boy was three months old...John showed up.

"No" Gwen said coldly standing between him and the cot. "I don't care what I said back then; I was young, foolish and thought I never would have children"

"Sweet cheeks, you can't stiff me we made a bargain" John cooed.

"I got more money, more valuables, weapons and technology I'll give you anything but my son" Gwen pleaded.

"Ah doll face I hate it when you look at me like that" John said pulling his gun out. "Baby now or both of you die"

Gwen pulled her gun out and held it up to John's crotch. "Piss off or never be able to have sex ever again" she shot back.

John sighed. "Fine how about this, I'll come back tomorrow and if you tell me my real name I'll let your baby stay here...however if you don't guess it within three guesses then not only does your baby vanish but you, me the bed are having a one to one session"

He vanished before Gwen pulled the trigger. Knowing she probably won't win John's little game; Gwen immediately called Jack and confessed all. Luckily Rhys was out of town for then night so Jack could stand guard over the baby in case John sneaks in.

"I should have known" Jack said running his hand through his hair. "There was nothing strange about you apart from higher psychic frequencies. John's vortex manipulator always manipulated metal and elements"

"So you can help me? You know his real name?"

"Sure but you want to lure him in a false security that he's winning so I'll hide in the bedroom for the first two guesses"

The next day Jack sat in the bedroom while Gwen anxiously waited in the living room with her son. John appeared with his usual cocky grin and Gwen glared.

"Spike" she said instantly.

"What the fuck?" John said surprised. "Why the hell would my real name be Spike?"

Gwen shrugged. "You just remind me of this blonde vampire on a TV programme"

"Great, wonderful darling anything else or can I have the cutie in your arms now?"

Gwen narrowed her eyes. "Melvin" she guessed.

"What sick world do you live in? Who the hell calls their child Melvin?"

"Well why else would you want to hide your name? I would if I was called Melvin"

"Ah so true darling but no it's not my name"

Just then Jack came in. "hello Rumplestiltskin" Jack drawled.

"Oh fuck" John said a hint of fear in his eyes. "Jack sweetheart, you're here it's been awhile and haven't I told you not to call me by my real name? You know it's a mouthful to scream during our passionate moments"

"Rumplestiltskin?" Gwen repeated she burst into hysterical laughter and fell of the sofa still laughing. "You're joking right?"

"No" John snapped. "While you're world is sick mine is downright psychotic to call a child Rumplestiltskin"

"Well I know your name, so bye, bye go away and never come back" Gwen said cuddling her baby tightly.

"Oh darling I'll always come back" John said vanishing.

Just then Rhys walked in. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"Right you!" Gwen snapped. "You started this so you can sleep on the sofa until our boy here is eighteen"