Pairings: Alice/John, Ianto/John, Janto, John/Jack, Owen/Tosh, Jack/Gwen

Alice was enjoying a cup of coffee near the docks on her day off when it happened. Just from the corner of her eye she saw a small Japanese woman running down the street. While it seemed like a normal thing, this woman was nothing but normal, not because she was dressed oddly after all she was wearing plain black trousers and brown leather jacket. She was odd because she had bunny ears and bunny tail and was screaming 'I'm late, I'm late, oh I'm very late' on the top of her voice.

Curiosity got the better of her. After all she was her father's daughter and he always had adventures. As a young child she always wanted to have her own adventures but her painful fact she wasn't immortal had always held her back. But there was no harm in following a woman with rabbit ears, right?

Running after her Alice felt a jolt of adrenalin as they slipped through a weave of alleyways and swerved round sharp corners before going in an all out run across the Pass and heading, face first into the water tower when suddenly the rabbit woman vanished and Alice fell head first down a deep hole.

She screamed.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

When Alice woke up she found herself on a grassy slab filled with daisies that she had crushed with her body weight. Groaning she sat up to find a giant green leaf rotating above her.

"What on Earth...?" she murmured to herself as she rubbed her forehead.

"Greetings Earthling!" a booming voice said from up above. "I am the great Doctor Owen Harper! I can cure all! Even the dead! Are you the pizza girl? I ordered a pizza recently under Torchwood"

"No I'm not a pizza girl" Alice said frowning. "And who's stupid enough to order pizza under Torchwood? Aren't you supposed to be a secret government?"

"No we're beyond the police and outside the government, just ask the Queen" Owen said sounding rather bored now. "And sorry for being stupid but I am the nation's twat just ask the Queen she did give me that title"

"But you're a doctor, aren't you supposed to be intelligent and not make such mistakes?"

Owen yawned loudly. "It's the meds; I'm telling you it's screwed me up. You know I had this vivid fantasy once that I was shot to death brought back by the Queen and was possessed by the Death, himself. I became royalty in my own right, as King of the Weevils though I refuse to shag the Queen so now I've been cursed to this life on this leave" the leave lowered down to reveal a deathly pale man with light brown hair and soulless dark eyes, he held onto what looked like a fag but smelt like something completely different. "Magic Mushrooms make the best medicine, don't you agree?" he drawled out. Blue smoke blowing into Alice's face.

She coughed and stepped away from him. "No! That's disgusting, what are you a drug addict?"

"You have to be to get past all the horror in this land" Owen said sleepily as he took another drag of his drug. "The Queen has taken to beheading all those that have displeased her and the clean up jobs are too gruesome for words"

"Look, I'm looking for a rabbit woman. She was Japanese with white fluffy ears and tail, she came around her and-"

"Tosh!" he said suddenly sitting up and for the first time Alice met him his eyes were alive and bright. "Toshiko Sato, yeah she ran past here a moment ago, she's such a suck up to the Queen with all her books and technology and languages and all that rot. Jeeze, she's such a swot. Oh that rhymed, I'm becoming Shakespeare now"

"You love her don't you?" Alice said realising that this was the most happiest she seen the drug addict in the short time she met him and got the impression it's the only time he's happy.

"None of your business you bloody bint. If you want to see Tosh you have to turn right, take the left at the third bin and go past the Mad Hatter's house but I warn ya, he's drugs are far more powerful stuff than mine, I mean they're radical and the fantasies...best boner I ever had"

"Right" Alice said walking backwards even faster now. "Well thanks...see you around I guess"

"Whatever" Owen muttered going back to his fag.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

There was a little brown house with straw roof and bright flowers surrounding it. On the front garden was a fancy white plastic table with three chairs surrounding them, the table was filled to the brim with posh cakes and expensive china tea set with gold gilt edge. Alice couldn't help but stop and stare, her stomach rumbled slightly and she looked down at her watch to find it was well past noon, she missed lunch and was now starving.

"Hello gorgeous" a flirty drawl something very different and more arousing than Owen's drugged up one. "Fancy meeting something so pretty out in these neck of the woods, then again I do live here"

She turned to see what was probably the most handsome man she had ever seen in her life. He had tanned skin, soulful eyes and brown curly hair; he was the complete opposite of the creepy druggie she met before. He was dressed in green velvet trouser and matching suit jacket that had actual tails underneath he was wearing a lighter green silk waistcoat and white shirt with dark green tie. He looked like something out of the fairytale book and even had a top hat to go with it.

"Captain John Hatter, nice to meet you" he said taking her hand and pressing a gentle kiss on her knuckles.

"A-Alice" she stuttered. "I'm Alice"

"Well come along now Alice, let's have some tea and cake, you must be famished" John led her to the table and sat her down. He poured out some tea and added sugar and milk just the way she liked it before serving her, her favourite chocolate cake was placed on a plate before her. John then rested his head on a hand and looked at her intensely. "Now tell me pretty little Alice," he drawled as his other hand began to draw circles on her wrist, slowly sliding upwards, "do you like to be on top or under?"

She blushed brightly as she choked on the tea she had only sipped mere seconds before. He jumped up and patted her on the back. "S-sorry but I don't do random one nightstands" she said bluntly. "I have a son and need to have some standards myself so I could raise him to be a good man"

The patting hand turned into gentle massaging. "But it won't be random" John said huskily in her ear.

"Hatter!" a man roared causing the pair to jump. Alice turned to see a plain but adorable looking man dressed in a suit with brown rabbit ears marching towards them. "Unhand the Princess right now! The Queen has heard what you've been up to and is most disgusted with you. She demands your head on a platter, NOW!"

"Ah, it's pretty rabbit boy. Would you like some carrot coffee?" John asked pleasantly holding up another tea pot that appeared from thin air.

"I am not a rabbit!" the man fumed. "I am Ianto March, the Mad March Hare!"

"Yes I do know" John said looking rather bored. "We had been married for the past six months"

"You're married?" Alice yelped jumping out of her seat and staggering away from John.

"Not by choice, the Queen forced it on us. She likes to matchmake all her ex-lovers and pretends they live happily ever after before going on to the next one. Who is it now? Some pretty little thing with big green eyes and skin that would make Snow White look healthy...was it Dean?"

"No Dean was centuries ago, he got wedded off to the twins remember?" Ianto said rolling his eyes. "The happy trio makes living at court almost unbearable. The new concubine is Gwen, she's lovely but the Queen gets so jealousy of her friendship that she stitched her mouth shut"

"Shame that was mouth made for blow jobs" John said shaking his head.

"You're awful! The lot of you! How dare this Queen treat you like this! Take me to her now; I demand to know what's going on and where that white rabbit woman went off to!"

Ianto blinked. "But you're highness, that's why I'm here rescuing you from my perverted husband. Your mother requests your presence"

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Alice wanted to die of humiliation. She wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole again or better yet some lightening to stuck and hit her embarrassing father!

Her father was a handsome man and admittedly she got some of her good looks from him. But to have her father grow his hair as long as hers, dress in large red and black gowns and put so much make up on that he looked like a clown in a dress...well it just made her wish she wasn't his daughter.

"Alice! My precious little girl, what on Earth were you thinking hanging around with dirt like him?" Jack shrieked. "Off with his head! Off with Captain Hatter's head for blemishing my little girl's innocence!"

Two hideous looking guards with squashed faces and beady black eyes lumbered across the room and dragged John out of the room who looked very calm despite being ordered to death. Before the door slammed shut he winked at Alice who blushed lightly.

"Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm" a reproachful voice said from beside Jack. Gwen Cooper, the latest mistress of the Queen sat there in a simple Egyptian style dress with her mouth stitched messily up.

"Gwen, it's a harsh punishment I know but he has to know that my daughter is not for sale" Jack said calmly picking up a bright red feathered fan and began to fan himself. "And Alice needs to learn that she can't go running about like some sort of common girl. Her Royal Highness Princess Alice Melissa Moretti Carter Harkness, I sentence you to death as punishment of your sins. Guards, seize her!"

The ugly guards from before lumbered back in, Alice darted across the room and picked up a flag pole using it to fend them off.

"Dad! I can't die, Dad! I got a son, remember? Stephen! I can't die and leave him alone!"

"Don't worry darling, you're immortal just like me. This will only be painful for a little while. I always did wonder what it's like to get reattached"

"No! Dad, please don't! I'm not immortal! I'm not immortal! Dad, listen to me please, I'm not-"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"I'm not immortal!" Alice shrieked sitting up.

She looked round wildly to see Jack make up-less and in his normal clothes looking concerned. Ianto March and Owen Harper exchanging bewildered looks, both looking very normal and un-drugged. Gwen looking worried though her mouth seemed to be sealed tight for some reason and a small Japanese woman in white bunny ears.

"Alice I am so sorry" the woman in white ears said. "I was late for work and used the invisible lift in hopes of losing you. I didn't know you were Jack's daughter and well, I didn't think you would fall in"

"Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm" Gwen said.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Yes all right, no need to tell me I told you so, I know you were right and I was wrong, happy now?"

"Mmm" Gwen glared and shook her head.

"She wants her mouth unzipped" Ianto said. "Have you worked out how to work that machine and reverse it's effects yet Tosh?"

"Not yet" the rabbit eared woman said. "Don't worry Gwen; it might be just a twenty four hour thing"

"I bet Rhys is thanking all gods though" Owen muttered.

"So it was all a dream?" Alice murmured as Jack hugged her tightly.

"Yes sweetheart, whatever you dreamt was just a dream. Oh I'm so glad you're ok, you gave me such a fright!"

"So then...why is Tosh wearing rabbit ears?"

Tosh blushed brightly and Owen grinned evilly. "She lost a bet and had to do a dare" Ianto explained calmly though from the looks being exchange between Owen and Tosh Alice thinks it was something entirely more sexual.

"Hey is the princess all right?" a drawl came from behind them.

Alice looked up to see the gorgeous sexy Hatter still alive; grinning like mad she jumped up, ran over to him and flung her arms round his neck. "Hatter!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad to see you're alive!"

"Hatter? My name isn't Hat-"

She cut him off with a kiss...a very long, very nice kiss that she wouldn't mind doing again.

"Oi! Hands off my daughter!" Jack yelled.