Parings: implied Tosh/Owen and hinted Jack/Gwen/Ianto

Jack woke up to the loud alarms of the Hub.

Leaping out of bed and un-heroically tripping over his week old undies, Jack finally made it to Tosh's computer to read the latest rift readings. His eyebrows flew upwards at the amount of rift energy. There hadn't been that much since Owen stupidly ripped open the rift to bring him and Tosh back from 1941.

"What the hell have you done this time, Owen?" Jack muttered.

Looking up Jack realised that not only was he standing in the middle of the Hub in his underwear but no one was having a go at him for it. Checking the clock he realised it was 9 in the morning, he overslept and there's no Ianto, Tosh and Gwen.

"Owen..." Jack called out hesitantly. "Tosh...Ianto...Gwen...hellooooooooo anyone home?"

No answer.

Jack was starting to find the silence very creepy.

In fact he can hear dripping from the tap in the bathroom.

Jack ran up to the invisible lift and waited impatiently for it to take him upwards. Outside seemed like a normal boring grey day in Cardiff...

Apart from the gigantic big green beanstalk standing right in front of him.

"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After getting dressed, falling three hundred and eighty five times, dying for the majority of them, Jack had managed to climb the beanstalk.

He raised another eyebrow at the fact he was walking on clouds. Maybe Owen drugged him or Ianto slipped something in his coffee...yeah that's got to be it. He had to be high. He wandered around the clouds for a while when a large cloud castle appeared with the door wide open.

"And that doesn't scream come inside" Jack muttered to himself as he entered the castle.

The inside of the castle was dirtier and...Well dirtier. The outside seemed so clean and pure and innocent while the inside was filled with rubbish, porn and underwear. It reminded Jack of his cadet cabin back when he was training as a Time Agent.

"Hello?" he called out.

"Jack!" Gwen hissed.

He looked up and found Gwen and Ianto standing in a large cage. Gwen was wearing a flimsy nightie and Ianto was wearing teddy-bear pjs. Jack very much appreciated the view, especially up Gwen's skirt.

"Finally. How long did it take for you to wake up?" Ianto said ungratefully.

"I was up by nine!" Jack said defensively.

"We've been stuck in this cage since half three in the morning" Ianto said coldly. "The Beanstalk has been there since two. It took seven whole hours for that alarm to actually wake you up?"

Jack looked sheepish and Gwen rolled her eyes. "Let's lecture him when we get back" she said firmly. "Just rescue us before he comes back"

"Whose he?"

"Rescue first!" both Ianto and Gwen shouted.

"Ok, ok" Jack said holding his hands up in an I-surrender gesture. "Keep your panties on. Though I wouldn't mind if you took them off..."

"Jack!"

Without any incidents Jack had managed to get up onto the cage and pick its lock. Gwen immediately threw her arms round Jack's neck and gave him a hug while Ianto followed with a grateful smile. They got down with ease and began to make their way out of the castle when the whole castle began to shake.

"What the...?" Jack murmured.

"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum. I smell pheromones of a 51st century man" a loud voice roared above them. "Whether his immortal or not, I shall grind his bones and bake them in bread. Along with his pretty Welsh friends"

"Good God Jack, can't you keep those pheromones to yourself?" Gwen hissed.

"Is there any time when you're not horny?" Ianto said half irritated.

"Let's concentrate on getting out of here" Jack said dragging the pair by their hands out of the castle. "C'mon, you two, move it!"

They ran faster across the white fluffy fields when suddenly the ground opened up and Jack fell through.

"JACK!"

It all went dark.

Again.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack woke up to find himself on his bed. Gwen was sitting up, with her long pale legs curled under his dark blue coat that she was wearing over her nightgown. He found it incredibly sexy. Ianto stood near the rope ladder, one eyebrow raised up and apparently he kept a spare suit hidden somewhere since he was fully dressed.

"Finally!" Gwen cried out impatiently. "You took forever coming back this time!"

"Sorry but I died over three hundred times this morning" Jack grumbled. "What happened?"

"You fell through the hole, not one of your finest moments" Ianto said smirking slightly.

"I meant last night"

"Oh that. Something weird, I woke up after the earthquake and then the next thing I know some giant pervert was looking in my window!" Gwen shivered slightly, Jack reached out and took her hand and she smiled at him. "He then broke it, picked me up and almost crushed me in his hand as he stomped across Cardiff. He then kidnapped Ianto and Tosh before climbing up the Beanstalk. Speaking of which when did we become fairytale land?"

"Haven't you noticed that we've been playing out fairytales the past week?" Ianto raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. "Just yesterday your hair wouldn't stop growing"

Gwen grimaced. "Don't remind me" she muttered.

"What about Owen?" Jack demanded. "Did the Giant get him too?"

Gwen and Ianto exchanged uncertain looks. "Well...you see Jack...Owen...probably did something very stupid" Gwen said fidgeting uncomfortably. "He...well...i don't know how to say this but..."

"He is the Giant" Ianto said flatly.

"Oh bugger"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

After one of Ianto's heavenly coffee Jack ordered the pair of them to wait in the Hub (both of them looked rather delighted and Jack inwardly cursed himself knowing he would miss out on something fun) before climbing up the Beanstalk (without dying this time) and breaking in the castle. When he comes to think of it the inside of the castle reflected Owen very well. Dirty and perverted.

"Tosh" Jack hissed. "Tosh. Where are you?"

"Jack" Tosh sang in a soft melodious voice. He turned round to find her tied round a golden harp. He raised an eyebrow. "Don't ask. Owen just has some fetishes that includes music"

Though she sounded all soft and innocent and pure, even Jack could hear the sexual satisfaction from her.

"But he's bigger now, wouldn't he'd crush you?" Jack asked. Tosh giggled and he blushed when he realised his innuendo. "You know what I mean!"

Before Tosh could answer the floor began to shake once more. "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum. I smell pheromones of a 51st century man" a loud voice roared above them. "Whether his immortal or not, I shall grind his bones and bake them in bread. But not Tosh, I like her better than the Welsh ones"

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Jack breathed. "C'mon I'm breaking you out of here" he said to Tosh as he untied her.

"But I don't want to go! I'm having so much fun" Jack ignored her as he kept a vice like grip on her wrist and dragged her across the floor. "Owen! Owen! Help! Jack is kidnapping me for his own perverted fantasises!"

"What?"

"HANDS OF MY TOSH!"

Jack ran faster, still dragging a screaming Tosh as Owen chased after them. Jack managed to get half way down the Beanstalk when it shook both ends. Looking up Jack let out a little shriek of horror when he realised Owen was climbing down after them. Looking down Jack let out a louder shriek of horror when he realised someone was cutting the Beanstalk down.

Once again everything went very dark.

This was definitely not Jack's day.