Pairings: Jack/Ariel, slight Jack/Ianto, Jack/Gwen, Jack/Tosh, one sided Jack/Triton, Jack/Doctor, Jack/Rose

"I can't believe you're wearing a suit on a beach"

Ianto looked up from scooping ice cream out of the container to look at Owen. Owen was wearing the most terrifying bright floral shirt and frayed shorts. Gwen and Tosh were lying under an umbrella in their swim suits and sunglasses; Gwen was sunbathing while Tosh was reading.

Ianto had decided to ignore Owen and continue scooping ice cream out for the girls. He had been the only sensible one out of the team (as always) and packed only several changes of underwear and shirts while bringing a giant cooler filled with ice cream and fizzy drinks.

"Seriously, we're in Hawaii not a conference"

"Though that's where Rhys thinks we are" Gwen snickered.

Jack had decided that the team needed a bonding holiday somewhere tropical. So far Ianto had to deal with a drunken Jack, danger prone Gwen, lost Tosh and sunburnt Owen. And it had only been the first three days; he's dreading the next three weeks. Speaking of Jack...

"Where is Jack?" Ianto asked.

The other three all rolled their eyes and looked over at the sparkling blue ocean where Jack was surfing in extremely tight little knickers that were supposed to be swimming trunks.

"You have to admit he has a nice package" Gwen said admiringly, Tosh and Ianto murmured agreements while Owen choked.

"That's disgusting" he spat out.

They ignored Owen in favour for ice cream and watching Jack. Suddenly a large wave pulled Jack under. They waited unconcerned for five minutes but after another five minutes it was becoming apparent that Jack wasn't coming back.

"I bet he's gone and died again" Owen said unsympathetically. "He's always seeking attention with his deaths"

Ianto opened his mouth to protest and then closed it. "Actually you're right. He used a death that I'm pretty sure was self-done to get me into bed"

"Hey" Gwen said, "let's go to the spa and wait for Jack to turn up"

"Sure, why not?"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

A sweet, soft, beautiful voice. A voice almost as dazzling as the song that brought him back to life for the very first time. For a second he thought Rose was back but when his eyes shot open a beautiful redhead was kneeling beside him as she sang.

Her hair was waist-length, thick and rather brittle. As if she had been swimming all her life. But her skin was pale, creamy and soft looking and her eyes were bright mischievous blue-green.

She wore a purple shell bra and a green tail.

A green tail.

Holy shit!

She's a mermaid.

He was so gonna have her!

"Hello, I'm Captain Jack Harkness and who are you?" he said in his best flirty voice as he held a hand out to her.

She gasped slightly. "I'm Ariel" she mumbled shyly as she took his hand. He immediately flipped it over and kissed her knuckles causing her to flush a slight pink.

"So what's a beautiful girl like you doing with a worthless guy like me?"

"Oh but you're not worthless!" she said immediately. "You seem to be a very sweet guy. And you're handsome"

"How handsome?"

"Very, you're like a prince! Dark hair, blue eyes like the sea and...and..." she looked down at his chest in an embarrassed admiration.

Oh Jack was enjoying this.

"Strong?"

"Yes!"

"Well darling, you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen on this planet" he said cupping her face. "In fact you make the ocean pale in comparison" she looked extremely flattered. To her the ocean must be the most beautiful thing in the universe. To be told that she was even more beautiful than it was a one way ticket to her bed. "Have you ever been kissed, Ariel?" she slowly shook her head. "Well I'm honoured to be the first"

He took it slowly since it's obvious she was purer than anything. He knew how to seduce a virgin or an extremely prude person. After all he succeeded in having Ianto and Tosh several times in the past.

There had only ever been two people he had failed to seduce. The Doctor and Rose. But one day he will. Until then...

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It had been two weeks of incredibly good semi-sex. Only semi-sex since the poor girl had a tail and could not experience the true greatness of real sex.

Jack barely even thought about the Torchwood Team and had spun a load of made-up stories of his kingdom back in the land of Cardiff to Ariel.

After all he's not going to see her again once he gets bored of her.

It was all going really well till the Merman with the beard and giant fork turned up with the most evil glare in the world. Seriously it rivalled the Doctor...the Doctor with the big ears...

"You!" the man roared. "You destroyed my daughter's pureness! You forever stained her reputation! She'll always be known as a sea-whore! Worse than a sea-whore! She'll be a prostitute to land men!"

Ariel had promptly burst into tears and the scowl on the red crab that was sitting on the man's shoulder softened.

"Princess..." he mumbled but after a glare from the man he looked stern again.

"Look, handsome I didn't mean to ruin her reputation. In fact we have barely done anything, just a kiss in gratitude of her saving my life" Jack said calmly.

The man faltered. "She's been missing for two weeks"

"Keeping me company while I await my knights to find me" Jack lied without hesitation. "You know...you could always keep us company too" he couldn't resist adding with a waggle of his eyebrows.

The man pointed his giant fork at him and a bright golden electric bolt and hit him.

Everything went dark.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack entered the Hub to find everyone working peacefully. They had barely looked up when he had came in. He felt furious. After all it had taken five months to grow his body back. Five months growing back from dust in about fifty feet deep under the sea.

No matter what that bloody crab said, there are a million things better than under the sea.

"Hem, hem" Jack coughed.

"Oh. You're back" Gwen said looking up.

"Didn't you even look for me?" Jack shouted.

"Yes. But you weren't at the beach and we figured you ran off with the Doctor again so we went home and did our jobs" Gwen said icily. "Anything else or would you like me to amputate your family jewels?"

Tosh, Owen and Ianto were now looking at him with incredibly dark looks as well.

Damn! He really should stop keeping to his reputation of running away.

"If I told you that I spent two weeks making love with a mermaid princess before her father came and disintegrated my body...what would you say?" he asked weakly.

They all blinked.

"Jack..."Owen said slowly. "Have you been smoking pot again?"