DIFFERENT
Chapter 8: Finality Seated on the floor in the front room of the cabin, I was busily packing books away into several boxes for the movers to take with them. Edward told me that they could do the packing, but most of my books were so tattered I was afraid of letting anyone else handle them. This was it, today was our last day in Forks, at least for a long while. When I came here an hour ago I thought I was ready for this change, but now all of it seemed wrong, or maybe it was right. One thing I’d learned over the past nine and a half months was that the choices I made were no longer just about me. My husband and my daughter were now a part of my life, which meant making the changes necessary to keep my family safe, however difficult they were to face. My mind drifted to last night and how often our baby woke up crying. Her thoughts were too sleepy and jumbled for Edward to read, and we both struggled to calm her down. When I left the large house she was still sleeping, cuddled against Edwards chest as he rested in her bed. This evening we would be taking a plane back across the country, and I found myself wishing that I could make time slow down. Now that I had eternity ahead of me with the man I loved and our family, it seemed like the days and weeks blurred together. It was still difficult to wrap my mind around forever. “Here let me help with that,” Jacob offered as he entered the cabin. I had been so focused on my thoughts that he had been able to sneak up on me. My muscles had tensed as soon as he spoke, but I was able to gain control before the urge to defend myself overcame me. Jacob caught the packing tape I tossed to him while I finished filling one box, with many more to go. While I continued pulling the books off the shelves, he sealed the first box, moving it closer to the door. “So, I guess this is it,” Jacob said as he sat down on the other side of the new box. “Yeah,” I murmured, trying not to let his words bug me. I pulled Merchant of Venice from the shelf while at the same time recalling our encounter with the Vulturi, and how hard that had been on all of us. I wondered how this move, and not seeing Charlie anymore, would compare. We worked quietly for a few more minutes. Jacob started putting more books into the box, seeming focused on something. “Have you had a chance to talk to Charlie?” “Before we left the last time, I told him we were going to Hanover so I could attend College.” I put another book in the box and glanced over at my best friend. I couldn’t recall a time in recent weeks when Jake and I had spent any time together. He had been busy with his life and me with mine. Now, being here with Jake reminded me of what it used to be like. “How is school going?” Jacob shrugged, pausing a moment before he stuck another book into our box. “I’ve been thinking about going for my GED at this point.” He glanced over at me already on the defensive. “I know I need to try and get the best education I can to keep up with Nessie, but there’s just too much going on in my life, too much I need to figure out.” When he slumped forward I got up and sat down on his other side. “So what are you thinking about, it seems like you’ve already made a decision.” A sigh escaped his lips, and he shook his head. “I’m thinking maybe I might end up in Hanover with you guys. When you were gone for that week it was miserable.” “What would Billy say?” At this point it seemed to me that Jacob’s choices were beyond asking Billy what he thought. My friend had already gone away once before, when things got tough, so it wasn’t like Jacob didn’t know how to handle himself. The difference now was that he was the Alpha of his pack, and I wasn’t sure how he would manage. “Billy knows what has been going through my mind, most of my pack, and even Sam knows,” Jacob answered as he flipped through one of the newer books. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to being the boy you once knew before all of it happened,” he mumbled, putting the book he had into the box. For me there was no going back. I had no regrets becoming a vampire, even though life wasn’t as simple. For Jake it didn’t seem so straight forward and it was hard to watch him struggle. My best friend was torn between his obligations here and the ones he had for my daughter. “I guess I need to head over to the house. Do you think she’s up?” For a moment I listened, first to the sounds near me like Jacob’s beating heart and his breathing, and then further out until I could hear the goings on at the big house. “She’s with Rose and Emmett now, but you can go on and see her.” Jacob stood half way up, keeping hunched over so he wouldn’t hit his head on the ceiling. “See you later Bells.” Before he left he smiled and I really hoped he would work things out. I wished I could help him, but right now the more urgent matter at hand, was to keep packing and have it all ready before noon when the next van would arrive. ~*~*~*~*~*~ There are not enough fingers on my hands to count the number of times I had been through this. Standing at the entry of the room that had once been mine and Bella’s, I felt a difference. All the times my family had moved before, it had just been routine, one place seemed like all the rest. Today the difference was that this was my first house as a married man with a child. This house represented, in a way, the turn my life had taken when I first set eyes on Isabella Swan. With her in my life, everyday brought something new. There was no longer the aloneness I had become so accustom to feeling. After glancing one more time into the vacant space I turned and went down the hall, opening the door to another room. The small area that my daughter used to occupy had once been filled with her drawings and toys. Now it was empty and foreign. “What are you thinking?” Bella asked as I held my arm out for her. Once she was leaning against me I wrapped it around her. “I was just thinking about how much our lives have changed since we first moved in.” “I think I’m going to miss this place, maybe someday we can come back.” Her voice was soft and in it I could hear the pain. I knew how hard this was for her, and hoped with time that moving would become easier for Bella and for our little girl. For a brief few seconds I expanded my range of hearing, picking up the sounds in my parents’ house. Jake was trying to convince Renesmee to go hunting with him, something none of us had much luck with, and everyone else was busy packing for the inevitable move. With Renesmee well cared for, I found myself wanting to spend some time alone with my wife. It appeared Bella had the same idea as she moved from my side to standing in front of me. When I looked down at her I read the desire in her eyes and a moment later I could hear her thoughts. Nothing else at that moment mattered except for my wife and our love. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ With only an hour left, I was determined to spend as much time with Nessie as I could. She still wasn’t talking, and since no one had been able to get her to go hunting, Esme gave her that purple cup with the donated blood. In her room we were eating Doritos while she finished off another cup of blood. I made a face, wondering how in the world she could stand that combination. Emmett had moved a small TV in and I was now stuck watching a live screen version of Peter Pan. This was a version I’d never seen, with actors I didn’t recognize, but the important thing was that Nessie seemed happy. Currently, there was a little boy on the back of a large sheep dog, hanging on for dear life as that dog ran down a large hall way. When the running stopped the boy flipped from the animal into the tub of water, and Nessie actually laughed before she ate another Dorito. “So what is that dog called?” Nessie didn’t answer and I sighed, kissing the top of her head as I wrapped my arms around her, leaning back against the headboard of her bed. It would be easier if they didn’t have to leave, and a small part of me wanted to just tell Charlie what was going on. But after that one time, when I caused Bella so much pain, I knew I had to just go along with the flow. Someone knocked at the door before it opened. Bella walked in with a pair of long pajamas folded over her arm. As I started to sit up I felt Nessie pushing back as she shook her head. “I won’t go, but you need to get dressed.” Again she shook her head turning around until her face was hidden against my chest, and her small arms were wrapped tightly around me. Bella sat down on the edge of her bed, trying to comfort her daughter, but the moment her hand rubbed against Nessie’s back, she began to whimper. I wasn’t sure what to say and just waited, ready to let Bella handle it. “Do you want Jake to help you get dressed?” We got one nod for an answer and Bella stood up putting the pajamas down by my side. Once she had gone, Nessie turned around, lifting her arms up while returning her attention to the TV. As I got her dressed I wondered just how hard this was going to be. If Nessie was already protesting simply getting dressed without me, what was she going to act like when it was time to go? The pajama shirt I slid over Nessie’s head was white with cartoon like kittens printed all over the fabric. The pants were designed the same way, and without prompting she stood up letting me finish getting her dressed. Once I had accomplished that, she plopped back down and she snuggled against me. “Socks,” I reminded as I tried handing them to her. She shook her head, reaching out for her cup which I put in her small hands. When I reached down to try and put one of the socks on her left foot Nessie kicked at me, but relaxed the moment I gave up. Just as Peter Pan was about to leave with the three kids to take them to his world or land, the door opened again and Edward came in. He sat down on the edge of the bed and I moved over as he started to watch with us. It seemed like he knew what he was doing, because after a few minutes Nessie crawled out of my arms and in to his, letting him put her socks on and wipe her hands and face clean of the Dorito cheese. As Edward stood up and lifted Nessie against his chest, she sniffed and hid her face again. It seemed like that was her way of dealing with unpleasant things, like the sadness of having to say goodbye. ~*~*~*~*~*~ Downstairs everyone was waiting. Even Charlie was there, and I was surprised I hadn’t heard him. That seemed to happen a lot when I was along with Nessie. The world around me seemed to disappear like she was the only one there - the most important person in my life who I needed to protect - but that wasn’t my job yet, and I wondered if it ever would be. While they all began saying goodbye, I remembered Jack and sped up stairs, getting him and the soft pink blanket Nessie had started to carry around lately. Back downstairs everyone was already outside and I could hear her crying. Edward had managed to get Nessie strapped into her seat and she wasn’t happy. “Hey Ness, look who I found.” The moment she saw me she covered her face with her hands and cried harder. That hurt. I knew she wasn’t mad at me, or even rejecting me. It was like that with Claire sometimes when she was tired and upset. “I’m sorry Jake,” Bella offered as she came to me and took the stuffed wolf along with the blanket. “Don’t worry, I know not to take it personally.” When Bella hugged me I hugged back, ignoring the way she smelled. That was something I had gotten used to so it really wasn’t so difficult anymore. Charlie was next in line to hug Bella, and I looked away as they stood there nearly motionless. It seemed like Charlie somehow knew he wouldn’t be seeing them again, and I seriously hoped that one day we could find a way to change that. “Be safe,” I heard him tell her as they finally parted. “I will. We will call you tomorrow sometime.” Once Bella was in the back of the car with Edward and Nessie, Charlie shut her door and Carlisle pulled slowly away. Long after everyone had gone their separate ways, I stood where I was, lost in thought, wondering what to do. This was going to be a hard time, not only for me but for my pack as I thought about what was best for me and for them. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ By the time we arrived at Port Angeles Airport, Renesmee had gone to sleep. Since Edward was better at getting her out of the safety seat, I let him handle that. I got out of the car, going to the trunk to gather the few bags we had brought along with us. “Why don’t you let me handle that?” Edward asked from behind me. Once I had the two medium duffels slung over both shoulders, I turned to answer. “Your hands are already full, and I can handle this without looking too conspicuous.” It was obvious, that if my husband had his way, I would be holding Renesmee while he carried the bags, but Edward was beginning to learn that I could hold my own when he allowed me too. We walked over to where Carlisle and Esme were waiting by the front passenger door, and I watched as they both took turns hugging Edward and kissing Renesmee. Suddenly I had that all too familiar feeling of something being stuck in the back of my throat. We had already said goodbye once in the past few weeks, but the last time was not as permanent as it was now. It was my turn, and I managed to hug both of them without having the bags slide down my arms. When Esme hugged me neither one of us seemed capable of letting go. For the past few months of my life she had taken the place of my own mother, and as I thought of Renee that stuck feeling in my throat seemed to get worse. “We will be there before you know it,” Esme said as both of us finally parted, only when Edward reminded me that we needed to get to our gate before they left without us. He was of course teasing - we had an hour before we needed to truly be there. Edward’s intent was to try and ease me out of my pain and I was grateful for that. Without looking back, I took my husband’s free hand and entered airport, trying to swallow my fears and sadness as we made our way to the check in counter. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ With my cheek pressed against Edwards shoulder, I focused on his soft voice as he read to Renesemee. A few days ago Rosalie and Emmett took her to a book store in Hoquiam, and came back with a first edition of Peter Pan. It wasn’t the Disney version, but rather the original. *“All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs. Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, "Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!" This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end.” As Edward continued with the story I gazed down at our daughter, whose small hands were helping to hold the book open. She was as drawn into the story as I was, and I couldn’t help but believe that it was Edwards’s voice, sure and steady as he continued the story about the boy who never grew up, that held our attention so completely. The part he was reading now, about the oldest child having to grow up, made me wonder why Renesmee had picked this book. Maybe in some way it helped her cope with living in such a confusing and complex world. Or perhaps it was just a way to escape into another world that wasn’t so confusing. When my husband suddenly stopped reading I focused on him, watching as Nessie tried to slip out of his arms. Suddenly the large book was on my lap and he moved out of his seat at the fastest speed he could go. Was Renesmee suddenly ill? I listened, hearing them enter one of the small cramped bathrooms and before the door even shut Renesmee was sobbing. “Shh, it was just an accident. Momma will hear and bring another set of night clothes.” That was my cue, and I realized what had happened. Neither of us had bothered to have her use the bathroom when she woke up. Quickly I was out of my seat and grabbed the carry-on from the overhead compartment. For once I was glad that I always packed an extra outfit, though until now we had never needed one. My baby was still quite upset when I got there, and one of the attendants brought us a few towels to help dry her off. We couldn’t all fit in the bathroom and Renesmee wasn’t willing to just have one of us there, so we made do just outside the small area. It didn’t take us long to get her into a dry pair of pajamas, and once she was dressed, Renesmee began to settle down. Back at our seat the attendant brought some juice for her, not realizing that our little girl didn’t like the sweet taste, but it was the thought that counted. While she sat on my lap, Renesmee snacked on pretzels and Doritos, occasionally drinking water out of her favorite purple sippy cup. Edward and I had been talking about starting her on other human foods, in order for her to get used to that so she might fit in better when she was old enough to attend school. My husband once told me that human food didn’t taste good to her, like Lima Beans and Brussel Sprouts tasted to me. But lately Renesmee had taken to eating the same sort of junk food Jake liked, which also included pizza. Maybe she was getting used to normal food, which would make our plan easier when we put it into effect. Edward leaned toward our daughter, whispering in her ear to something I guess he heard in her thoughts. When he moved away, still looking at her, Renesmee shoved the food away folding her arms against her chest as she began breathing hard like she was hyperventilating. Where had she learned that to do that? Again he whispered in her ear and she leaned away from him clearly not happy about something. I could at any point listen in, but I was trying not to do that to her, giving Renesmee the freedom to talk to someone without having to worry about her momma budding in. A moment later she was lifted from my lap, and this time when Edward whispered in her ear she stopped trying to fight him, instead leaning forward until her face was against his chest as she began sniffing. Now I was curious, but knew not to ask what was going on while she could hear my question, so I pushed my shield away letting him hear it in my mind. What was that all about? Holding her with one arm, Edward pointed to the duffel and I caught on, pulling a pen and pad out for him to write on. She wanted a drink, and when I tried to explain to her why we can’t allow that, she wasn’t pleased. That was all I needed to get caught up with the current situation, and I looked at the gold watch on my wrist realizing why she was grumpy. We were gaining three hours traveling to the other side of the country, and even though Renesmee’s body was on Pacific Time, it was still past the time we normally allowed for her to be up. From the duffel I pulled out her pink blanket and Jack, handing the wolf to Edward before I draped the blanket over her. Renesmee didn’t try to kick it away and when Edward offered her Jack, she grabbed him and pulled him against her chest. After a few minutes she turned her head and looked at me, sleepily. I reached out and brushed my finger against her cheek smiling as she yawned. “Do you want Daddy to read to you again?” When she nodded I got her book and held it out for Edward as he started on the second chapter. Once again his voice lulled both of us, and for a while I let the story carry me away. Eventually my thoughts began to drift, and I began to think of Charlie. None of us had been expecting him to show up, not until Alice’s vision let us know he was on his way. At first, she had seen Charlie confronting us, wanting to know the full truth, but five minutes before he arrived he changed his mind. I shut my eyes as the pain drifted over me again, hearing Edward’s voice pause before he continued with the story. Our baby was still awake, resting against his chest while she watched me and listened to the story, and for the moment I pushed my feelings aside and focused on her. As Renesmee’s eye lids drooped down, she lifted her head fighting sleep. “Do you want me to hold you?” She shook her head before resting it back against her father's chest. Edward was still reading as I held the book up for him, and instead of holding her with both arms he moved his left arm away. Gently, he began rubbing his free hand over her back and this time when her eye lids drooped down she didn’t try to fight the need to sleep. I wasn’t concerned that Renesmee seemed to want Edward more than me these days, and I couldn’t blame her for wanting him to comfort her. How many nights had he done that very thing for me when I was still human, struggling with the nightmares of Victoria coming after me, or simply happy to have him by my side after that one terrible absence? The sound of Renesmee’s steady breathing and the lack of Edwards’s soft voice drew me back to the present. I put the book away as he leaned back in the seat, glad that we were in first class where there was more room. I pulled the arm rest separating us up, and leaned my seat back before I moved closer to them. “What has she been thinking while you’ve been reading to her? I’m curious why she chose Peter Pan.” “Esme said she caught the cartoon version on TV the other day and was instantly curious about why a person wouldn’t want to grow up. When Renesmee found out the movie was adapted from a book she showed Esme a memory of you reading Tennyson to her along with the movie. After that Rose and Emmett offered to take her to that used book store in Hoquiam, and now she can’t get enough of the book or that live version she was watching with Jacob.” “Is she having you read it to her because she wants to know about what it’s like to have to grow up?” That worried me, and Edward shifted Renesmee to his right side reaching out with his left hand, gently brushing it across my cheek. “I don’t know that I can really put what she thinks into the proper words,” he whispered. “When I was reading to her she was remembering playing dress up with Claire at Emily and Sam’s. At other times she was remembering the children in the movie dressing up and playing in the nursery. I’m not sure what all of that means, aside from trying to guess. So if I had to do that, I would venture to say that she is trying to figure out how to be normal, at least the way she interprets normal to be.” We were both quiet after his explanation. Edward shut his eyes and I followed his example resting my cheek against his chest as he wrapped his arm around me. Part of the charade was pretending to need sleep just like everyone else. ~*~*~*~*~*~ Home, we were finally here ready to start a new chapter of our lives. As I pulled the car around to the back of the house I caught a glimpse of a dark shadow moving off into the woods, realizing that Renesmee’s bear was still safe. The relief I felt at seeing him was a surprise, because truthfully that bear had been the last thing I had thought of this evening. In a second, I was out of the car and at the back driver’s side door before Bella could move. When the door was opened she was glaring at me. Since our first meeting Bella had always been so independent. That was in part, aside from her blood, what drew me to want to know her more. I hoped she would get used to allowing me to do things such as open the door for her, or when the need arose to eat with company, pull out her chair, but so far it seemed to be a losing battle. Regardless of her glare, I held out my hand wondering if she would turn and go out the other door, but my wife finally smiled before reaching for me. I pulled her none too gently out of the car and into my arms, kissing her hard before I stopping to look into her eyes. When Bella had been human, my kiss or any of hint of one would have had her heart racing, and sometimes I missed that. Before either of us had time to react, Renesmee’s heart fluttering faster, along with her restless movements drew us to the other side of the car. As Bella opened the door Renesmee’s eyes fluttered opened and in her mind she was screaming “no” over and over again. Our baby covered her face with her small hands, making it difficult for Bella to move the straps so she could lift Renesmee out of the seat. “Baby, I need you to move your hands so I can get the straps over your arms,” Bella whispered while trying to comfort Renesmee. One good thing about being at home, at least I was hoping, was that we could get a routine going. At the very most we had three to four years to stay put, and by then our little girl would be done growing for the most part. When Bella sighed and stepped away from the car I hugged her before I took my turn. I leaned in and kissed the backs of both hands and Renesmee’s forehead, before I moved away and waited. Renesmee responded well when we didn’t try to push her, and at this point my main concern was not getting her all keyed up so we could put her back to bed. Her thoughts were jumbled again, and she didn’t move one inch. Carefully I moved Renesmee’s right hand away, hating it when she began to cry. I moved the strap over that arm and hand and did the same with the other before lifting her out of the car. Too often for my liking, Renesmee had been upset enough to cry, and now that we were finally here I was relatively certain that all of that was about to change. ~*~*~*~*~*~ In Renesmee’s room Bella had already pulled the sheets back but instead of laying our baby down, I sat on the edge of the bed and began to rock her. As I did so, I began to hum the lullaby I had been composing for her first birthday. The new tune caught Renesmee’s attention and her cries lessened before they stopped all together. As she moved her small hands away from her face, Bella arrived with a soft tissue and wiped the tears away before kissing her. Renesmee’s small warm hand against my neck followed by the image of what we had just been doing was her way of telling me she was ready for more of my lullaby. When I began humming again, Bella sat next to us and I wrapped my free arm around her. We watched as Renesmee drifted off to sleep and once she was tucked into bed we went downstairs. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In the family room Bella and I sat on the black leather sofa across from the fire place. “How do you feel about being home?” Bella sighed and leaned against me as I wrapped both arms around her. “It just feels like this is all so final, us leaving Forks, never seeing Charlie again. I didn’t think it was going to be so hard,” she breathed. “The first move was the most difficult for all of us,” I began, vaguely remembering leaving Chicago not long after Carlisle had changed me. Bella turned to face me as I continued. “I haven’t thought of that time in so long, but I think I was afraid. My family had always lived there or close by, and even with my newborn thirst dominating my every need, I can still recall the emptiness I felt upon moving away.” “It shouldn’t be that way for us. Every since we met, I’ve always wanted this, always wanted to spend every day of my life with you by my side.” Bella was struggling with her words and I hugged her closer. “But you couldn’t guess that there might be pain at leaving behind someone you love.” Her head shook once as a strangled sob escaped her lips. “Maybe there is a way,” she said, fighting for composure. As much as I wanted her to have Charlie in her life, years of experience had taught me that it was better to let go. Of course, I had not been unable to do that with Bella, and we had not gotten this far without quite a few bumps in the road, but we had an obligation to keep Charlie safe. “Not without great risk. Are you willing to put him through all of our struggles, including the ones we faced with the Volturi?” Those were harsh words, but she needed to consider what I was saying. Bella’s sobs tore at me and I hated myself for causing her pain. A part of me thought that once she went through the transformation, Bella would be spared emotional pain of any sort, but already that wasn’t the case. “I’m sorry love. I wish there was another way.” It was quite some time before her sobs tapered off, and by that time the first rays of sun were beginning to light up the world outside our house. “I’m sorry I did that,” she whispered hoarsely. “You have nothing to be sorry for Bella.” “It feels like I’ve lost Charlie, like he’s already gone. I don’t feel as strong about Renee, why don’t I Edward?” From the tone of her voice, sad and resigned, I knew that last part bothered Bella a great deal. “How clearly do you remember her?” Bella thought quietly for a few minutes before she lifted her head from my chest. “I don’t remember her as clearly, fuzzy like most of my human years.” “I’m sorry to cause you so much pain.” When Bella moved onto my lap I held her as close as I could, resting my chin upon her head. We were quiet after that, watching as the day outside grew brighter. “I guess we are going to have to adjust to staying indoors more often with fewer rainy days.” “Not necessarily. The reason I picked this location to live, is due to the fact that our nearest neighbors will be Carlisle and Esme. After that we don’t have anyone around our area for another twenty five miles. The forest will also keep the sun light out, for the most part.” Once she was feeling better, Bella left to go check on our daughter, which I found interesting. We could hear Renesmee even from outside, and yet both of us had fallen into the habit of going to look in on her while she slept. Upstairs I heard Bella talking, and picked up our daughter’s heart rate which was faster now that she was awake. I stopped myself from listening to Renesmee’s thoughts, deciding that it was time for her to use her memories to show us what she needed, and even her words. From the tone in my wife’s voice it sounded like it was the start of another busy day for us and I hoped, as I stood up and began to head for the foyer and stairs, that it wouldn’t be such a struggle to get through. ~*~*~*~*~*~ *: Excerpt taken from J.W. Berry's Peter Pan Authors Note: I'm going to start updating once a week on Saturday or Sunday. If I don't do that I'll end up rushing this story and I really want to take my time with it and make it as enjoyable as I can for those of you who are new to this one and those of you who are following along. Thank you for taking the time to read.
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